#61.

you know it's bad when you are too tired to even be angry anymore.

because that's when the heat subsides, and all that is left is a dull ache--'hurt.'

but then you realize that there are plenty of worse things that may occur in a life and you realize, that your little troubles are just such: mere little troubles, little trifles, little parcels of ego-breaks, feigning to be heartbreaks.

and you realize that how you react to such trifles, are the actions that will define you as a person. and being angry and being mean and being vengeful is merely a choice.

but it is a choice that is tempting in the heat of the moment and sometimes, you just want to walk away. because sometimes, walking away and quitting is the biggest 'FUCK YOU' you may be able to exact on someone. sometimes, saying 'NO' is the best thing that you can do for yourself. but trying and failing is the only thing that may quench the bitter linger of regret.

the universe works in mysterious ways. perhaps, it just wasn't meant to be.

#60.

valuable life advice: never, ever allow yourself to become financially dependent on somebody else.

this, in particular, refers to parents.

when you are financially bound to somebody and dependent on them to survive, your entire existence becomes a property. and they may say whatever to you as they wish. they inflict harm onto your already delicate ego and while this may seem like nothing, continuous endurance of such treatment will whittle down your self-esteem. ultimately and falsely, this will realize your worthlessness.

but you must endure.

valuable life advice #2: always endure.

you can endure; you must endure.

three more months. three more months. i chant this to myself, while deflecting daily snide remarks about my basic incompetency. mostly, concerning my irresponsibility and poor life choices. and sometimes, relating to my poor fulfillment of filial duties (e.g. not phoning home on a consistent basis).

maybe the reason as to why i don't phone home often is because i don't want to talk to you. maybe it's because every time we engage in conversation, it's always about how shitty i am doing in school. maybe it's because every time we exchange words, it is always about academia, my failures, and the successes of other people's children.

call me petty. call me pathetic. but somehow, i'd like to protect the shards of self-worth and self-belief that i have left. and maybe, the people who i do choose talk to, maybe they make me feel like i'm worth something. that i have a future. that i can be somebody and i can be somebody great.

yeah, i am naive for sure. but you are naive as well. if you think that the worst things a child can do is to get bad grades and to not phone home once a week, you are clearly oblivious to the harsh realities of life. i say this to you often but you refuse to acknowledge it, asking me why i am choosing to be compared with the darker sides of society.

i think the main problem is that we take each other for granted--each other not recognizing the significance of the other and not realizing that things can be way worse. whatever i say to you will fall only to deaf ears, whatever you say to me will always contain a smidgen of malice. perhaps you feel cheated that you got me as a daughter. maybe you look to other children, who are so filial and so perfect, and you wish that they were yours. well, i am sorry that you got stuck with me.

you often say that you tell me these things because nobody else will. because you love me. well, thanks for the tough love. i appreciate it.

you will make me into a stronger person.

and i'm sorry but i just don't like you very much right now.

don't get me wrong: i love my parents. and i do appreciate all the sacrifices they've ever made for me. i am so grateful for them putting aside funds for my post-secondary schooling and the 20+ years of financial support.

but here is the truth: i can't tell them anything. i can't tell them what i really want to do, i can't tell them what my hobbies are, i can't tell them anything. because they will get angry or even worse, get even angry at each other and push their negative feelings onto somebody who doesn't deserve it (e.g. my dog).

and so i hide, into my little nest, devoid of any real personality and i endure. i've become a stranger in my own 'home' and to be honest, i dread coming back here very summer. i so very much dread it. and maybe that's why i always feel the need to go away. maybe that's why the idea of foreign lands would entice me so much.

so i work 40+ hours a week, to try to spend as much time away from this house as possible. i'm not screwed up; my family isn't either. we love each other but sometimes, it doesn't work. it's just on certain days, particular words are said that evoke strange feelings from within and i just need to get it out.

i am tired.

#59.

i've got a mad case of the wanderlust; i need to go away. i need to leave. at least for a little while.

i need to experience so much more of life than what resides in this little city of 300,000. i need to breathe foreign air, to learn to think for myself, and to meet new people. and maybe, while doing that, meet other pieces of me that i hadn't known existed.

can't you tell that i am undergoing an existentialist crisis?

yesterday was a day spent in the harrows of nature, caked in bugspray and enjoyed in midst of a swarm of mosquitoes. but i was happy and i wish that it only lasted a little bit longer. it's always been a far-fetched dream that i would just hop into a car and just drive for miles on end; destination unknown. the wind would blow back my hair and i would be giddy because there will be no weights constraining me to reality--anything would be possible.

but then the music would stop and i would eventually have to stop driving. and everything will return to as it is. routine. mundane. dutiful.

will i ever start posting things worthy of reading? items that are important, that register outside my self-centred universe, rather than feverishly writing pages upon pages of little melancholic anecdotes of an over-dramatized pathetic existence?

truth is, i am far more optimistic and believing than what this blog shows. but when i am happy, i am too busy living and too lazy to cultivate my experiences into this cyberspace.

i think of it like this: at times, when you are too happy, it feels like your brain is going into overdrive because of all the joy and you are unable to come up with quaint and poetic descriptions to fully capture the happiness of the moment. like, no words in the written language can even begin to describe what you feel, the sights that you see, or the sounds that you hear. or maybe, you think of a word that is perfect but you can't seem to recall it. it is on the edge of your brain and you envision it to be like attempting to grab on an already fading wisp of smoke.

sometimes, i feel like that and i so wish that we had pensieves and can readily store our most important moments. so that when you can't remember how to be happy, you just stick your head in your pensieve and remember.

today, i went to work and sold people clothes. i folded up t-shirts, khaki capri pants, and attempted to engage in conversations with my co-workers. they are cold towards me because i am new and am stealing all of their hours. but i don't mind because i am earning money to pay off my credit card bill (remnants of poor budgeting from NYC 2011).

yesterday, i was determined to not give up on myself. i think i need to get away. not as an escape but to truly bid farewell to my beloved childhood. it's time to take responsibility. but i need some privacy; it's an emotional breakup.

#58.

there comes a point in your life, when you take a serious look at what's going on and you wonder where the fuck you went wrong.

where the fuck did i go wrong?

in high school, i was an A+ student; all my marks were 90%+. now, i'm lucky to scrape above a 75%. where did this abysmal failure come from? since when did i lose my work ethic and my drive to become something great? how am i, who once had opportunities knocking at every door, am suddenly left with ultimatums and faced with seemingly impenetrable barriers?

while all my friends are already progressing in the next step of their life, breathing in foreign air, and preparing for fresh start in a professional college, i am slaving away at coffee shops and clothing stores, sitting on my ass and watching t.v. i worry consistently about my future. or rather, LACK OF FUTURE. sometimes, i stare at the coffees that i am preparing and i look at my co-workers, most of whom are older than me, and i am wondering if that is the image of myself, reflecting back at me.

NO. NO. NO.

my summer job is not me. my shitty GPA is most definitely not me, as proven in the CONSISTENT 90% average attained in the past twelve years prior to this numerical shit-storm. giving up is not me. GIVING UP ON MYSELF IS NOT ME.

my parents may give up on me. i may feel the bitterness of being insignificant and intimidated by the success of others. after three years of continuous effort, only to be knocked down every two months and bitch-slapped by mere numerical values, has a toll on your emotional intelligence. people can come and leave. people may have an effect on my happiness. but I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. because giving up on myself means 100% that there will be nothing more for me in my life.

i must not be intimidated by my three years of academic failure. yes. i get shitty grades. yes, i have failed an exam. yes, there are numerous sixties on my transcript. but what have i gotten out of it, in return?

the past three years, i have met some of the best people whom i will have ever met in my life. i have seen places, breathed air, lived without parental restrictions. i have interacted with so many different kinds of people and been in so many situations. i have laughed every day. i have truly LIVED. for the first time in my life, i lived without somebody dictating where i go before and after school, what i eat every single meal, what i wear, what i do on my weekends, etc. for the first time in my life, i was able to be myself for 24 hours a day.

maybe i have let my studious self go in order to let the real me grow.

but you know what? that is nothing to be ashamed of. i'm not making excuses--maybe i should have tried harder. maybe i should have sat my ass down and prioritized for my future. maybe i should have stuck myself in a library cubicle 24/7 to see what happens. but you know what? when you do that, when you are forcing yourself to embrace and to love a future that you don't want, you're going to realize sooner or later that that's not what you want. you may be swimming in the piles of money that you've made, but with whom are you going to share it?

when you go on expensive trips to see the world, who is going to share those moments with you? when you dine at luxurious restaurants, who is going to be toasting with you? when you are dressed head-to-toe in designer threads, your manolo blahniks piercing the ground with every step you walk, checking your work e-mail with the latest edition of the i-phone, are you really going to be happy?

so yeah. i have fucked up my life academically. but i am only restricted to my options by my parents and societal pressures. i need to realize that i need to live for myself. it's scary because now, I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. there is no dilly-dallying back and forth. i need to do this for myself. because the world may give up on me; future employers may fail to see my potential, but that is all okay.

as long as i believe in myself and what i know that i am capable of.

i don't need anybody to tell me or to reassure me that i am capable of being successful. it may sting when your parents are implicitly showing their disappointment in your future and how they wish that they have another kid. it hurts. because you know that during the times when you've worked yourself to the bone, attained positions and beat out 200 people for one single position, that effort was never recognized. truth is, nothing asides from perfect will ever be enough.

but you don't need to treat yourself that way. that kind of treatment will only make you into a stronger person. you are TOUGH and you can get through this.

i will never lose faith in myself. i will get through this.

IWILLIWILLIWILL.

i will write this here, everyday, if i have to. if that's how long it takes for me to believe in it again. no more lazy-assing around.

#57.

books i've read 2011-2012

1. hey nostradamus! by douglas coupland
2. the gum thief by douglas coupland
3. the handmaid's tale by margaret atwood
4. oryx and crake by margaret atwood
5. the hunger games by suzanne collins
6. the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky

*italics indicates favourites

#56.

i've been reading a lot lately--douglas coupland, margaret atwood--none of which would really do much for my academia. it's inspired me to write. i think often about things that i should like to write about. yet as soon as a really great idea comes into mind, it is gone. like wisps of smoke. foggy, intoxicating, intangible.

one of my greatest aspirations is to produce a sort of greatness. something that will compel people to feel something of astronomical proportions. something that will inspire others to ditch their apathy and maybe find a light in the world to follow.

maybe,maybe,maybe.

as recent events have unfolded, i should like to tell you, my dear little crevice in this vast 'anonymous' network, that i am quite devastated. because earthquakes are ripping countries apart and the ocean follows suite, seeking to swallow anything it can touch. and leaders are distributing self-proclaiming justice on freedom fighters, while mothers and children and fathers and brothers and sisters cry.

and i am left here, in a little room on the outskirts of my university campus, feeling personal heartbreak as the snow outside billows down in soft, wet chunks. and i shudder because i realize, how many have/will never see[n] snow.

#55.

things i've learned since becoming 20:

1) never waste your time and effort in something that you don't believe in.
2) haters will be haters and they're not worth your time anyway.
3) feelings are like light waves, they reflect and absorb.
4) apparently, gifted children think a lot about death.
5) no man is ever worth self-degradation. if you find one, make sure you marry him.