#26.

yesterday, i got caught in the rain. like, really got caught in the rain: drenched in seconds from buckets streaming from the sky and sandals soaking wet--but not uncomfortably because the water escaped from the sides and left my feet unsoggy.

it was exhilarating.

i've always wanted to get caught in the rain; i like looking out during thunderstorms. i'm always a bit fearful of a stormy sky but its great and terrible beauty awes me, at the same. and i just want to stand outside. or maybe prance around outside, naked, by myself.

because i'm weird like that.

#25.

today i took successful polaroids, chatted with two soulmates, ate sushi until i was uncomfortably full, bought a jumpsuit, went thrifting for the first time, got hit by hail and buckets of rain, listened to an aspiring singer, worried a lot, and bawled over toy story 3.

life is wonderful.

#24.

it's happening.

it may not be a big dream; it's more of a little thing--an artsy-fartsy project that will hopefully inspire.

project hope, launching this summer.

look forward to it. i know i will.

#23.

things i like: the colour turquoise.

i really like the colour turquoise. i think it is my favourite. i can't say for sure, because i am fickle with colours.

i used to love the colour pink, the colour of the warm flush that spreads across your cheeks when you simply feel too much. then, i had a brief affair with seagreen, the hue of the salty sea and my favourite nail polish. i loved yellow dearly, because it was the glittery heart of my favourite flower, daisy.

but i like turquoise because it is the colour of dreams. i've loved it since i opened the cover of 'captain corelli's mandolin'. since then i've always associated the shade with greece, the place that my wandering Heart longs for. the place where the sun just shines differently, where legends of heroes and olympus thrive, and where one can frolick in a white sundress to the tinklings of a stringed guitar.

yeah, i guess it's my favourite.

#22.

i have an aspiration. it might be too ambitious, too big, and maybe unachievable for little old me.

but i have an aspiration.

and i want to see it through.

#21b.

i've been struck by a sudden affliction: lust.



and



god. floral combat boots. i could go to battle with a hundred thousand death eaters while sipping high tea in these babies. i would kick their hooded bums with my floral-printed toe into the deepest and darkest crevices of azkaban.

yeah. that's how those badpeople make me feel.

to buy or not to buy? even though my Heart knows the answer and since these are limited editions, they might not be in stock in my size when i do finally decide to get them.

PROS: FLORAL COMBAT BOOTS (!). limited editions. real leather. reputable brand.
CONS: $130. might make my legs look chunky.

DILEMMA.

i hate my materialistic self.

#21a.

montreal in a little over a week. my Heart pounds in anticipation. new adventures, new city, new language, and new eats.

i've realized that my past entries are all so emo and depressing. ironically, i am the complete opposite in real life. i don't want this to be a pensieve full of post-adolescence angst and identity issues. because i don't want to read this in a few years and bang my head against the wall, berating my future self as to why the heck present me is so stereotypically TEEN (even when i'm rapidly approaching the big two-zero).

nothing beats listening to the beatles on a sunny day. i just want to lay down a blanket and sleep outside. too bad there are gigantic bloodsuckers lurking around, waiting anxiously for a taste of me. no, i'm not referring to edward freaking cullen although if mosquitoes took on a sparkly form, i suppose i'd tolerate them more.

i want to start collecting vinyl; i feel that it would be a worthwhile investment because if i ever become homeless, i can sell my collection to futuristic hipsters and make some fast cash.

recently, i've been reading a lot of children's literature. percy jackson and the olympians is such a harry potter wannabe but i am eating that stuff up as if it were white chocolate toblerone. demigods. monsters. 12-year-olds fighting to save the world. half-goat people. AWESOME.

i've succumbed to my materialism, but these pieces are so darling that i didn't even realize my grubby little fingers clicking the checkout button before, well, i checked-out.



alice in wonderland ring & an owl ring.



i also purchased a pink rose ring. all are from cuteability on etsy.

ps, that sigh was a sigh of contentment.

#20.

reconnecting with old friends is a strange thing. you may have not spoken to each other in over a year and you may have ended on bad terms, but that moment you answer the phone call, all that past animosity seems to fade into nothing.

maybe it's because we've accepted the fact that people do hurtful things; people are flakey (at times) and most of all, people are selfish.

remember when you would be so angry with your best friend for playing with your barbie without permission? remember when you wouldn't speak to her for an entire hour and that was considered the world's biggest snub?

i try not to get agressive while angry at somebody. i hope with all my Heart that the moment will pass if i ignore it or if i just stop talking to them for a while. really, all it does is that it builds up even more before exploding at the smallest of reasons. sometimes, you just need to accept what you don't want to see and remember that people are all flawed.

but why do things get so magnified as you age? that hour turns into a year and half; that barbie turns into something so insignificant that i can't even remember it. so many questions, so little answers.

forgiveness is like lifting a big burden off your shoulders. you'd do better than without that weighted grudge on your already worry-bidden Heart.

#19b.

shanghai is a concrete jungle; i feel as though i have too many words.





in face of all that's good and new, the old has a certain sense of romanticism that can only be appreciated by those with hardened sensibility.




beauty in the ugly: the hanging city is comprised of the unwanted, the neglected, and the 'useless'.

#19a.

god, i am so terrible at keeping up with writing. i even procrastinate when it comes to things that i enjoy.

i've decided that my ultimate dream in life is to catch serial killers while write harlequin romances on the side.

yeah, right.

okay, so basically everyone around me has this somewhat blurry picture of their futures while mine remains a desolute and empty blank. i feel that sometimes my brain operates as though it is stealing satellite tv from elsewhere. sometimes, i feel as though i am onto something but then it just gets cut off and i left with white noise and static. i need to stop stealing and either refrain from satellite or hook myself up with a reliable service.

another thing: why am i so constant? i have literally remained the same person that i was, since i was thirteen. i am turning twenty. this cannot be good news. everything around me is constantly changing: our technology is evolving and the people around me are becoming unrecognizable. even justin bieber's voice is changing while me, myself, and i are the mirror images of that seven years ago.

it's not that i don't like who i am. i do. in fact, i love myself more than people deem appropriate. if there is a shiny surface on which i can check my reflection, i will look. and most of the time, i like what i see. but here's the thing, i feel as though i should be moving forward to some distant place called my future. not your future or her future, but mine. instead, i'm stuck in a time lock, caged up inside this invisible box while everyone around me is leaving me behind.

perhaps it is because i suffer from an extensive peter pan complex and am exceedingly charmed/seduced by my own childhood that i cannot let it go. true, my childhood was extremely enjoyable and i miss it terribly. but i cannot act like a disney princess, fretting about patiently while waiting for a prince charming to come and carry me off into the future. i need some courage, some unprecedented bravado, to rev me up and propel me to where i need to be.

because i know that i can be someone amazing.

here's the hard part, holding on to that unfaltering faith in yourself, even though you have failed so many times. it's difficult; that's why i have to say it so often to myself. because i forget it often. and that's falling into dangerous territory.

at the end of the day, all you can do is pick up the pieces of yourself and attempt to put it back together with magical superglue and pray that all the pieces are in the right places.

i'm not depressed; i'm just angsty. sometimes, everyone needs to expose a little angst to the world for their sanity.