#19a.

god, i am so terrible at keeping up with writing. i even procrastinate when it comes to things that i enjoy.

i've decided that my ultimate dream in life is to catch serial killers while write harlequin romances on the side.

yeah, right.

okay, so basically everyone around me has this somewhat blurry picture of their futures while mine remains a desolute and empty blank. i feel that sometimes my brain operates as though it is stealing satellite tv from elsewhere. sometimes, i feel as though i am onto something but then it just gets cut off and i left with white noise and static. i need to stop stealing and either refrain from satellite or hook myself up with a reliable service.

another thing: why am i so constant? i have literally remained the same person that i was, since i was thirteen. i am turning twenty. this cannot be good news. everything around me is constantly changing: our technology is evolving and the people around me are becoming unrecognizable. even justin bieber's voice is changing while me, myself, and i are the mirror images of that seven years ago.

it's not that i don't like who i am. i do. in fact, i love myself more than people deem appropriate. if there is a shiny surface on which i can check my reflection, i will look. and most of the time, i like what i see. but here's the thing, i feel as though i should be moving forward to some distant place called my future. not your future or her future, but mine. instead, i'm stuck in a time lock, caged up inside this invisible box while everyone around me is leaving me behind.

perhaps it is because i suffer from an extensive peter pan complex and am exceedingly charmed/seduced by my own childhood that i cannot let it go. true, my childhood was extremely enjoyable and i miss it terribly. but i cannot act like a disney princess, fretting about patiently while waiting for a prince charming to come and carry me off into the future. i need some courage, some unprecedented bravado, to rev me up and propel me to where i need to be.

because i know that i can be someone amazing.

here's the hard part, holding on to that unfaltering faith in yourself, even though you have failed so many times. it's difficult; that's why i have to say it so often to myself. because i forget it often. and that's falling into dangerous territory.

at the end of the day, all you can do is pick up the pieces of yourself and attempt to put it back together with magical superglue and pray that all the pieces are in the right places.

i'm not depressed; i'm just angsty. sometimes, everyone needs to expose a little angst to the world for their sanity.