#21a.

montreal in a little over a week. my Heart pounds in anticipation. new adventures, new city, new language, and new eats.

i've realized that my past entries are all so emo and depressing. ironically, i am the complete opposite in real life. i don't want this to be a pensieve full of post-adolescence angst and identity issues. because i don't want to read this in a few years and bang my head against the wall, berating my future self as to why the heck present me is so stereotypically TEEN (even when i'm rapidly approaching the big two-zero).

nothing beats listening to the beatles on a sunny day. i just want to lay down a blanket and sleep outside. too bad there are gigantic bloodsuckers lurking around, waiting anxiously for a taste of me. no, i'm not referring to edward freaking cullen although if mosquitoes took on a sparkly form, i suppose i'd tolerate them more.

i want to start collecting vinyl; i feel that it would be a worthwhile investment because if i ever become homeless, i can sell my collection to futuristic hipsters and make some fast cash.

recently, i've been reading a lot of children's literature. percy jackson and the olympians is such a harry potter wannabe but i am eating that stuff up as if it were white chocolate toblerone. demigods. monsters. 12-year-olds fighting to save the world. half-goat people. AWESOME.

i've succumbed to my materialism, but these pieces are so darling that i didn't even realize my grubby little fingers clicking the checkout button before, well, i checked-out.



alice in wonderland ring & an owl ring.



i also purchased a pink rose ring. all are from cuteability on etsy.

ps, that sigh was a sigh of contentment.

#20.

reconnecting with old friends is a strange thing. you may have not spoken to each other in over a year and you may have ended on bad terms, but that moment you answer the phone call, all that past animosity seems to fade into nothing.

maybe it's because we've accepted the fact that people do hurtful things; people are flakey (at times) and most of all, people are selfish.

remember when you would be so angry with your best friend for playing with your barbie without permission? remember when you wouldn't speak to her for an entire hour and that was considered the world's biggest snub?

i try not to get agressive while angry at somebody. i hope with all my Heart that the moment will pass if i ignore it or if i just stop talking to them for a while. really, all it does is that it builds up even more before exploding at the smallest of reasons. sometimes, you just need to accept what you don't want to see and remember that people are all flawed.

but why do things get so magnified as you age? that hour turns into a year and half; that barbie turns into something so insignificant that i can't even remember it. so many questions, so little answers.

forgiveness is like lifting a big burden off your shoulders. you'd do better than without that weighted grudge on your already worry-bidden Heart.

#19b.

shanghai is a concrete jungle; i feel as though i have too many words.





in face of all that's good and new, the old has a certain sense of romanticism that can only be appreciated by those with hardened sensibility.




beauty in the ugly: the hanging city is comprised of the unwanted, the neglected, and the 'useless'.

#19a.

god, i am so terrible at keeping up with writing. i even procrastinate when it comes to things that i enjoy.

i've decided that my ultimate dream in life is to catch serial killers while write harlequin romances on the side.

yeah, right.

okay, so basically everyone around me has this somewhat blurry picture of their futures while mine remains a desolute and empty blank. i feel that sometimes my brain operates as though it is stealing satellite tv from elsewhere. sometimes, i feel as though i am onto something but then it just gets cut off and i left with white noise and static. i need to stop stealing and either refrain from satellite or hook myself up with a reliable service.

another thing: why am i so constant? i have literally remained the same person that i was, since i was thirteen. i am turning twenty. this cannot be good news. everything around me is constantly changing: our technology is evolving and the people around me are becoming unrecognizable. even justin bieber's voice is changing while me, myself, and i are the mirror images of that seven years ago.

it's not that i don't like who i am. i do. in fact, i love myself more than people deem appropriate. if there is a shiny surface on which i can check my reflection, i will look. and most of the time, i like what i see. but here's the thing, i feel as though i should be moving forward to some distant place called my future. not your future or her future, but mine. instead, i'm stuck in a time lock, caged up inside this invisible box while everyone around me is leaving me behind.

perhaps it is because i suffer from an extensive peter pan complex and am exceedingly charmed/seduced by my own childhood that i cannot let it go. true, my childhood was extremely enjoyable and i miss it terribly. but i cannot act like a disney princess, fretting about patiently while waiting for a prince charming to come and carry me off into the future. i need some courage, some unprecedented bravado, to rev me up and propel me to where i need to be.

because i know that i can be someone amazing.

here's the hard part, holding on to that unfaltering faith in yourself, even though you have failed so many times. it's difficult; that's why i have to say it so often to myself. because i forget it often. and that's falling into dangerous territory.

at the end of the day, all you can do is pick up the pieces of yourself and attempt to put it back together with magical superglue and pray that all the pieces are in the right places.

i'm not depressed; i'm just angsty. sometimes, everyone needs to expose a little angst to the world for their sanity.

#18.

leaving for the motherland tomorrow. excitement awaits in the form of good food, explorations, and phototaking. must remember to buy 120mm film for diana whenever i get the chance! this vacation is going to be different; usually a trip to china consists of nonstop eating and senseless spending. this year, i will observe and preserve the beauty of the motherland in my own way. i will explore more, see more, and stop being so shallow.

(an attempt to rid me of my materialism, a rather fearsome task.)

must wash hair tonight! the thing i hate most in the entire world is sitting on a 13 hour plane ride and dreaming of an inaccessible hot shower. i dislike plane rides in general, there is just something about that smell that makes my stummy flip and flop in the most unfortunate ways.

#17.

i feel like a hermit. it seems as though a plane ride always sucks my vitality out of me like some sort of super-vacuum. i come home and then i am comatose for days. by comatose, i mean by sleeping at ungodly hours and marathoning shows.

april says that i should write blogs on account of the fact that everything that i say should be a one-liner on a sit-com. i don't think that i am that ridiculous nor do i think i harbour enough wit to feed a sit-com. although writing everyday seems like a good goal.

childhood (post-adolescent) dream: i want to work as a part of the FBI's BAU and be really badass and catch serial kilers.

they make it sound so enticing on tv.

#16.

everybody seems to be looking for that someone, "someone". feelings make things complicated. why, why can't we all just be happy and realize our own happiness in ourselves?

(but secretly, i'm scared of being alone too.)

packing up my life in brown cardboard boxes, rescued from the depths of my concrete basement. wiping off the dust gathered over the spaces containing residues of me for the last eight months. listening to athlete on loop, pretending like i have good taste in music when all i really want to do is blast justin bieber from the top of my lungs.

i don't want to leave. because everywhere i look, i see ghosts of me and i think it's kind of romantic. the march me was sitting on that moldy old green couch and twisting my hands anxiously while watching patrick chan skate for the 2010 winter olympics.

it drains me.

hello, bubble bath and bieber break.