#38.

feels like i've been living in a dream: like living, but not really living, living.

everything seems blurry; everywhere seems to be full of smoke & mirrors.

i move back to western tomorrow. beginning of year three. one year closer to graduation, one step further from childhood, another turn in the labyrinthe.

is this going to be another dead end?

and i know it's futile to keep worrying. so i cover myself up in dreams of paris, sunbeams, and the summer breeze, hoping that my life won't pass me by.

FUTURE GOALS:

1) learn something everyday.
2) feel passion.
3) cook more & be more innovative.
4) write something everyday.
5) take a daily photo.
6) learn how to play the ukulele.
7) curb your senseless spending.
8) paris, paris, paris. (make it real.)

c'est tout.

cette annee, je serai une personne differente. je serai plus independente et productive; j'economiserai l'argent pour les choses importantes. et j'irai a paris, ou je mangerai des macarons en lisant les mots d'ernest hemmingway et je visiterai la tombe d'oscar wilde et d'edith piaf et je les laisserai des belles fleurs. et je prendrai des belles photos. je prendrai beaucoup des belles photos qui pourront vous faire emouver. et je prendrai des portraits des gens et je rechercherai leurs espoirs.

je trouverai l'amour.

(peut-etre.)

tout simplement parce que je puisse le faire.

aujourd'hui, il me reste seulement 713$ jusqu'au paris.

#37.

"one-sided."

yeah, when we first met
you were nothing special.
you wore an ugly hat;
you read nature magazine.
you had a scratchy beard
but your smile seemed kind of sweet.

and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

so, here's a weird little thing,
i'd like to tell you someday:
that when you chortle/
guffaw/
or chuckle, whatever it is manly men do,
it tickles the sides
of my left and right ventricles.

and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

and i wonder sometimes
when you close your eyes,
is there footage of me playing across those silver screens
while you sleep.
and i wonder sometimes
what your name will mean
to me, in a few years time.

oh, oh, oh.
and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

i wish i were a little more brave.

#36.

today i ate curry flavoured pretz, had an epiphany, stalked fashion blogs, salivated over food blogs, checked up on patrick chan news, tackled some faxes, dealt with real life, and applied for a job.

today, paris is still $748 away.

#35.

ANECDOTES OF MEN WHOM I HAVE LOVED #1.5: 'Hairspray Boy'

i make up weird little nicknames to objectify men whom i am interested in.

(i am a terrible person, in case you haven't noticed.)

but really, it's to make them 'unreal'. because it is safer to be infatuated with a fantasy.

(except 'd'. because he was real.)

and when you don't refer to a person by their real name, when you rid yourself of that important initial connection, you are too distanced to establish any sorts of real connection, and therefore, you are safe. you are safe because you don't actually harbour any real feelings and it is fun.

it is fun to be girly and to giggle and to think of the could-bes without any sort of emotional investment.

because it isn't real.

does that even make sense?

you're allowed to be crazy and to daydream and to obsess. because the person whom you are interested in is merely a canvas on which you paint your expectations, your hopes, and all your blank convictions of a perfect someone, someone.

and nobody has to know. except you.

really, i met hairspray boy in my second year. and he was preparing for a presentation and i just happened to see him running to a hidden space, look cautiously from left to right before taking a little spray bottle of hairspray from his bag. then, he checked himself in the reflections of the window while fixing his hair.

and i thought it was the cutest thing ever.

and then i got to know him, a little.

but he was always just 'hairspray boy'.

#34.

today i grooved to jay jay pistolet, daydreamed of paris, stalked a dirty old man, drank a london fog, spoke with a soulmate, appreciated totem poles, didn't get bitten by mosquitoes, bought expensive makeup & pored over my guidebook.

today, paris is only $748 away.

#33.

ANECDOTES OF MEN WHOM I HAVE LOVED #1.0: 'D'

(i promised myself i would write them. just for the memories.)

here's the truth: i have never experienced love. i like to joke that my love life reached a climax at age twelve, plateaued while i was in high school, and is now heading towards the golden gates in the sky.

i am also a very hard person to love because i have very skewed perspectives of what it means to be loved, what it means to love, what love is, etc.

but i have liked someone.

not even, really liked him a lot. but i truly liked him. as in, i didn't care about all those shallow expectations--what he looked like, what he wore, what he liked, i just liked him, as a person; as my person. you know that backstreet boys' song? as long as you love me? yeah, that's kind of how i felt about this guy.

let's call him 'D'.

'D' and i first met when we were in grade seven. i didn't think he was anything special at first. he was short, nerdy, had glasses, freckles, and a large head. (we all made fun of him for it.) he was known for being obnoxious but hilarious, the kind of guy that you'd like to make fun of. but he was easy going, he liked rap music, which was a big thing in my middle school. we bonded over our similar love for eminem, 50 cent, and crass music, in general.

over the two years, we became really close friends. to the point where we talked to each other on the phone every night and shared deep secrets about ourselves. i counseled him, he comforted me; we were best friends. it was strictly all broship and goodness until feelings came in the way.

i don't even know how to describe it. it's like one day, i woke up, went to school, said hi, like usual. only, it wasn't usual. because he wasn't the same person from yesterday. (well, to me, anyway.) that day, he was just all sorts of wonderful and i think it's just the familiarity and the fact that i knew that i was special to him.

anyway, after a few months of wallowing in my newly found girly issues, i decided to confess.

so one day, while shopping for our friend's birthday present, i obtained a certain burst of courage. i stopped in the middle of the hall. because it was at that exact minute in which i knew that if i did not confess then and there, i would never ever do it. and then i might regret it.

i took a deep breath, steadied myself, and blurted out: "yo."

he turned to me, all confused and replied: "what's up?"

and then i take more deep breaths and kind of start pacing before i finally said: "you know how sam likes kevin?"

he gave me a confused look, as if to say "so what?"

and then i clenched my fists and uttered that phrase i wish i can take back, seven years in the future: "well, i like you."

and then his bright blue eyes just kind of widened behind his nerdy glasses and he was silent for a few seconds.

"i'm sorry. but, you remind me of my eight-year-old sister. and i don't want to ruin our wonderful friendship."

my heart didn't exactly break over these few phrases, but my ego definitely took a beating. when i think back to it, why would you say that somebody reminds you of a sibling four years younger than you are, while they are confessing their fervid admiration?! rude!

also, eight-year-old sister and wonderful friendship have no correlation whatsoever.

so whenever somebody tells me that i remind them of someone, i cringe because memories of this moment comes flooding back.

and that is the story of 'D'.

we didn't remain very good friends because it became really awkward. then we kind of had a huge throwdown over msn and in public, which ended our 'wonderful' friendship. and i think that he turned me off to all boys in general and i secretly suffer some sort of trauma born from this incident.

but when i think back to it, i am truly sure that i didn't like him very much. because i didn't even cry over him. not even one single tear.

and i thought this was a poignant story for me to tell because it's kind of funny and it's proof that i am capable of having real feelings for a member of the opposite sex. and it's possible for those feelings to be not revolved around fantasies and my basic narcissism, in which i project my image of perfection onto somebody and expect them to fulfill it.

but it's okay because i think i'm ready to like again.

#32.

i'm done being depressed about myself.

it's time to make a difference.

i have opportunities--it's whether or not i take them.

i'm done comparing myself to others.

i'm done living the easy life.

because the road to success is paved with hard work. and i stopped working hard about 7 years ago. it's time to get back my competitive edge. i can be one of those; i am one of those. no more slacking.

#31.

THINGS I WILL DO BEFORE I DIE (remixed & shuffled):

1) fall in love.
2) write anecdotes of men whom i have fallen in love with.
3) scale the great wall of china.
4) eat a croissant on the highest level of the eiffel tower.
5) ride a vespa in rome.
6) makeout in the rain.
7) see jason mraz in concert. November 2010
8) roadtrip to a giant music festival and hang with hippies.
9) visit japan with my best friends. Japan 2008
10) go skydiving.
11) go ziplining.
12) go bungee-jumping.
13) go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination.
14) start a project and finish it.
15) inspire others.
16) get into some sort of professional program.
17) FIND SOMETHING THAT I LOVE. and am willing to pursue for the rest of my life, regardless of the challenges.
18) learn how to ride a bike.
19) love myself.
20) visit every single continent.
21) go on a missions trip to africa.
22) take a photo every day.
23) to stop being lazy.
24) to sweat at least once a day.
25) to laugh until i cry at least once a day.
26) to make someone smile everyday.
27) learn how to play justin bieber on the ukulele.
28) write a song.
29) write a novel and get it published.
30) get a 90 in a university class.
31) to become fluent in at least four languages.
32) to read every book on a booklist.
33) to own a pair of christian louboutin and manolo blahnik heels.
34) to take a cruise down the nile.
35) to sunbathe in greece with ladyfriends.
36) to pull a nuit blanche in barcelona.
37) to get married.
38) to have a family.
39) to see a world expo. Shanghai 2010
40) to go on exchange.
41) to run a marathon.
42) to learn to surf.
43) to swim with the dolphins.
44) to go to harry potter land.
45) to learn to sign language.
46) to learn to say 'i love you' in fifty different languages.
47) to eat at an o-noir restaurant. Montreal 2010
48) to visit a strip club and receive a lapdance. Montreal 2010 and Toronto 2008
49) eat fugu from japan.
50) stay optimistic, never lose hope, and no matter what, remember to be happy.
51) read all of hemingway's works before paris.
52) draw a portrait.
53) take a photo every day for an entire year.
54) listen to 'empire state of mind' on the highest level of the empire state building.
55) drink butterbeer.
56) take a carriage ride through central park. NYC 2011
57) witness a public proposal.
58) organize a massive flashmob.
59) lay down white roses in strawberry fields. NYC 2011
60) get my driver's license.
61) see the loi krathong (festival of lights) in thailand.
62) complete a 365 photo project.
63) go to rwanda for a month and document every single day on a travel blog.
64) backpack through europe.

#30.

PLANS:

1) paris 2010, over reading week. i'm looking at airfare right now and it is so do-able. now, to convince julia to let me stay with her for a week and to SAVE UP KASHMONEY. sorry, AA 3D mesh flower sweater, your beauty is inferior to that of PARIS in february and eating croissants on the top level of eiffel tower. (bucket list numero 20.)

2) SAVE UP KASHMONEY-->PARIS.

things that must be accomplished before i leave home.

1) picnic in kinsmen park.
2) play in the waterpark by meewasin, also eat ice cream there, and take lots of lovely photos, and enjoy the sunshine. BLOW BUBBLES.
3) eat sushi with beshmi and nileeka.
4) go to andy shauf feat. julia and her piano with charlotte and have a romantic coffee date; also, blow bubbles.
5) see julia before she leaves for paris!
6) see sarah before she leaves for vancouver!
7) finish writing event proposals for next year. (!!)
8) have a quadruple rendez-vous with sarah, katie, becky, and jenna! and possible do number 2.
9) shave my legs and wax my eyebrows. (!!)
10) read love in the time of cholera. (!!)

#29.

i have no life.

my days right now consists (literally) of eating, sleeping, and working. i suppose this is a good thing and my bank account is smiling at me right now. i need a goal-- something to save towards to. i am actually thinking of taking money out of the bank every week/beginning of every money and stuffing it in a giantass ceramic pig. and i will only touch that money under dire situations. but here's the thing, what if my giantass ceramic pig gets stolen?

my heart lusts. often. because i am a very fickle person and i fall in love often. but not with people--surprisingly, i am very loyal with people. with objects, with words, with colours, with seasons, with beverages, with food--i tend to throw around my affection.

things for which i am currently lusting:

1) 3d flower sweater from american apparel.
2) linen-high waisted pleated pant from american apparel in sage.
3) tank dress from american apparel in cobalt.
4) disco pant from american apparel in black.
5) full woven skirt from american apparel in candy cane.
6) lace loose tank in white from american apparel in white.
7) tom shoes in navy.

YES, I AM ONE OF THOSE. i know the corporation sucks. i know the CEO is a dickwad and deserves to burn in hell. i know that it's not really sweatshop free, like they advertise. but i can't help it. whenever i go in, my eyes gleam because everything in there suits me so well and i don't feel that connection with any other store.

idon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneed!!

maybe the giantass ceramic piggy can be my american apparel fund??

#28.

the girl who has everything is one who doesn't realize that she does, yet aspires to live each and every moment.

the girl who has everything is one who places importance in things other than wants and needs, but feelings and dreams.

the girl who has everything lives carefree but conscious of her surroundings; aware of the politics, news, and horrors happening.

i have too many worries; i get bogged down by worries, needs, and wants. maybe it's time that i stop wanting, stop needing, and start living. i wonder if materialism is inherent and if i can ever be rid of it. i almost feel like i need to isolate myself in an environment where hungry is really hungry, cold is really cold, and everything is just as it is. almost like reverse: in order for me to appreciate life at the baseline and stop taking things for granted. maybe then i can truly be free from these sordid chains that i tie onto myself. greed, gluttony, and lust.

Hey Twenty.

Hey Twenty,

I know this is late (it’s almost four days after I’ve passed it on to you).
Hmm... Nineteen. You were naive and scared. Remember your first nights out, drinking, and dancing away. They were fun. They’re still fun. Remember the risks that you took during this year: trying out for soph, peer guides, paper art club director, rebuilding health in Rwanda VP, and most importantly, Explore.

Let’s start with that: Explore. What a wonderful way to end off an incredible year. Not so hot academically but very much so in terms of personal growth and experience. You came to Explore, expecting not to know anybody but instead, you reconnected with great friends and met amazing people. Ruth, Pauline, and Jerica—their faces will be forever etched in the experience. Justin Bieber and chicken will never be the same. You have finally learned how to mime an airplane, and you know how it feels to be rendered completely helpless and tongue-tied in front of a man.

Yes, a man.

Because he is twenty-five years old and looks (in your opinion, only) dirty and old. The dirty old man’s name is Colin. Last name unknown, as you’ve discovered while frantically trying to research him everywhere. I don’t know whether or not his name will be important in a few weeks but as of right now, you are completely infatuated. In that disgusting pre-teen squealy oh-my-god-he-talked-to-me. My hopes for you this year is to find something real and pursue it with somebody.

You are twenty, the gateway to the prime years of your life. You are supposed to go crazy, experiment, and apparently lose all holds to your common sense. It’s time to take a risk, learn to give, and most importantly, learn to open the door to your heart. Does that sound cheesy? It’s okay: you like it anyway. I’m trying to be inspirational here. But I am proud of you for taking a chance and talking to him! You had a conversation that was longer than ten sentences and you became all giddy. It’s almost cute if I can call you cute.

Let's face it: you've always wanted to find that someone, someone. But really, how are you supposed to when you can't even form a coherent sentence in front of a member of the opposite sex? Just be yourself. You can't hide your weirdness, no matter how hard you've tried. It just comes leaking through but appreciate it! Because normal is boring. And normal is not living. And really, being weird is just so much easier. Love yourself the way you are and don`t pay attention that what other people say. At the end of the day, it just you, yourself, and i. Stay true to yourself, because it's uncomfortable if you don't.

Back to Explore. So many things, so many events. Memorable: lady peeing in the crowd during the Jazz Festival, going on all the rides in La Ronde, puking in public at metro after downing raspberry vodka (NO MORE VODKA, PLEASE TWENTY!!), being known as Sushi, Imad and the stolen cheeseburger, airplane miming fail, talking chicken, random laughing fits where Ruth ends up crying, two dollar breakfast, Ingrid Michaelson live, brown accents, asian accents, gangster accents, can I have your number?, birthday dilemma, The Handlicker, seeing Will I Am DJ a foot away from you and dancing the nights away, Harvey’s, Pauline’s lapdance, Karaoke boy’s beautiful rendition of Celine Dion, being shy, being drunk in class—looking like a living tomato and slurring in French, horsedrawn carriage rides in Old Montreal with Huggy and Helen, not knowing how to turn a three-person bike around and having to lift it, buskers, music, music, music, dizziness, stumbling on the Metro, being scared by racoons—almost breaking your ankle because of raccoons, your tiny dirty room, being sweaty and smelly because of the heat wave and almost missing it when it’s cold, kayaking during the middle of a thunderstorm, Quebec & Ottawa, eating in a pitch black restaurant and falling asleep. So many memories. So many good times. What a great way to start off the year.

Aren’t you glad that you decided to take a leap of faith? And stay optimistic? The thing is, you wouldn’t be here if you were afraid. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t decide to grow a pair and be independent. So advice for next year: never be afraid to take a chance. You meet some people, they like you and they don’t. But the ones who do stay are amazing (Jerica, Ruth, and Pauline) and really accept you for exactly what you are. That’s better than having a huge group of empty friendships.

Other memorable things that happened this year: went to China, saw many beautiful things and travelled. You had a sweet summer. You are lucky. Appreciate it. And never forget to love. But also learn to be selective. You put people on pedestals when really, we’re all the same inside. Treat yourself like you would to them and ALWAYS, ALWAYS be nice. Because you know what it feels like to be ignored. You know what it feels like when nobody likes you. It is shitty and NOBODY WANTS TO FEEL THIS WAY. No matter how much they deserve it, always be nice. But stand up for yourself. Don’t do things that you don’t want to do, unless the person is important to you. You have amazing friends who would do anything for you and a family that loves you despite all your bitchy fits.

Goals for next year: FIND OUT WHAT YOU WANT. And pursue it. Doesn’t matter what it is because I KNOW YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY AMAZING. If you would only grit your teeth and are willing to suffer through the changes. Be inspired daily. Don’t be afraid to look stupid. And I guess that’s it. A lot of things from Explore. But you know that your memory is quite shitty.

Have a good year and love always,
Nineteen.

#27.

i've returned from a five week hiatus. i was simply too busy living to update, as well as walking uphill. my leg muscles had better be toned.

expectations are strange things--you usually expect too much and you get disappointed in the end. or rather, you expect something to happen and it doesn't and you get disappointed.

montreal, montreal, montreal. where do i start?

to call you a disappointment, would be blasphemy. because you weren't. but i was just expecting different things than the ones that had transpired.

things i expected: to fall in love.

with a person. briefly. for five weeks. a whirlwind romance in old cobblestone streets, so very reminiscent of enchanting europe.

instead, i fell in love with the city, with a sandwich, with a certain fast food restaurant on peel st., with friends, with three person bicycles, tequila shots, and techno music.

i feel like it is a good trade. although i was pathetically infatuated with a man and couldn't even muster the courage to speak to him. i think i had maybe spoken to him twice over the entire five week period in which he was seated across the room.

bravo, self, bravo. note to self: grow a pair by next year, please. one regret but i swear, the next time, if i ever chance upon him again, I WILL SPEAK TO HIM. and we will have conversations. and maybe even become friends.

that is all. will be posting a letter from nineteen later. (it is tradition.)