#35.

ANECDOTES OF MEN WHOM I HAVE LOVED #1.5: 'Hairspray Boy'

i make up weird little nicknames to objectify men whom i am interested in.

(i am a terrible person, in case you haven't noticed.)

but really, it's to make them 'unreal'. because it is safer to be infatuated with a fantasy.

(except 'd'. because he was real.)

and when you don't refer to a person by their real name, when you rid yourself of that important initial connection, you are too distanced to establish any sorts of real connection, and therefore, you are safe. you are safe because you don't actually harbour any real feelings and it is fun.

it is fun to be girly and to giggle and to think of the could-bes without any sort of emotional investment.

because it isn't real.

does that even make sense?

you're allowed to be crazy and to daydream and to obsess. because the person whom you are interested in is merely a canvas on which you paint your expectations, your hopes, and all your blank convictions of a perfect someone, someone.

and nobody has to know. except you.

really, i met hairspray boy in my second year. and he was preparing for a presentation and i just happened to see him running to a hidden space, look cautiously from left to right before taking a little spray bottle of hairspray from his bag. then, he checked himself in the reflections of the window while fixing his hair.

and i thought it was the cutest thing ever.

and then i got to know him, a little.

but he was always just 'hairspray boy'.