#58.

there comes a point in your life, when you take a serious look at what's going on and you wonder where the fuck you went wrong.

where the fuck did i go wrong?

in high school, i was an A+ student; all my marks were 90%+. now, i'm lucky to scrape above a 75%. where did this abysmal failure come from? since when did i lose my work ethic and my drive to become something great? how am i, who once had opportunities knocking at every door, am suddenly left with ultimatums and faced with seemingly impenetrable barriers?

while all my friends are already progressing in the next step of their life, breathing in foreign air, and preparing for fresh start in a professional college, i am slaving away at coffee shops and clothing stores, sitting on my ass and watching t.v. i worry consistently about my future. or rather, LACK OF FUTURE. sometimes, i stare at the coffees that i am preparing and i look at my co-workers, most of whom are older than me, and i am wondering if that is the image of myself, reflecting back at me.

NO. NO. NO.

my summer job is not me. my shitty GPA is most definitely not me, as proven in the CONSISTENT 90% average attained in the past twelve years prior to this numerical shit-storm. giving up is not me. GIVING UP ON MYSELF IS NOT ME.

my parents may give up on me. i may feel the bitterness of being insignificant and intimidated by the success of others. after three years of continuous effort, only to be knocked down every two months and bitch-slapped by mere numerical values, has a toll on your emotional intelligence. people can come and leave. people may have an effect on my happiness. but I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. because giving up on myself means 100% that there will be nothing more for me in my life.

i must not be intimidated by my three years of academic failure. yes. i get shitty grades. yes, i have failed an exam. yes, there are numerous sixties on my transcript. but what have i gotten out of it, in return?

the past three years, i have met some of the best people whom i will have ever met in my life. i have seen places, breathed air, lived without parental restrictions. i have interacted with so many different kinds of people and been in so many situations. i have laughed every day. i have truly LIVED. for the first time in my life, i lived without somebody dictating where i go before and after school, what i eat every single meal, what i wear, what i do on my weekends, etc. for the first time in my life, i was able to be myself for 24 hours a day.

maybe i have let my studious self go in order to let the real me grow.

but you know what? that is nothing to be ashamed of. i'm not making excuses--maybe i should have tried harder. maybe i should have sat my ass down and prioritized for my future. maybe i should have stuck myself in a library cubicle 24/7 to see what happens. but you know what? when you do that, when you are forcing yourself to embrace and to love a future that you don't want, you're going to realize sooner or later that that's not what you want. you may be swimming in the piles of money that you've made, but with whom are you going to share it?

when you go on expensive trips to see the world, who is going to share those moments with you? when you dine at luxurious restaurants, who is going to be toasting with you? when you are dressed head-to-toe in designer threads, your manolo blahniks piercing the ground with every step you walk, checking your work e-mail with the latest edition of the i-phone, are you really going to be happy?

so yeah. i have fucked up my life academically. but i am only restricted to my options by my parents and societal pressures. i need to realize that i need to live for myself. it's scary because now, I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. there is no dilly-dallying back and forth. i need to do this for myself. because the world may give up on me; future employers may fail to see my potential, but that is all okay.

as long as i believe in myself and what i know that i am capable of.

i don't need anybody to tell me or to reassure me that i am capable of being successful. it may sting when your parents are implicitly showing their disappointment in your future and how they wish that they have another kid. it hurts. because you know that during the times when you've worked yourself to the bone, attained positions and beat out 200 people for one single position, that effort was never recognized. truth is, nothing asides from perfect will ever be enough.

but you don't need to treat yourself that way. that kind of treatment will only make you into a stronger person. you are TOUGH and you can get through this.

i will never lose faith in myself. i will get through this.

IWILLIWILLIWILL.

i will write this here, everyday, if i have to. if that's how long it takes for me to believe in it again. no more lazy-assing around.