#60.

valuable life advice: never, ever allow yourself to become financially dependent on somebody else.

this, in particular, refers to parents.

when you are financially bound to somebody and dependent on them to survive, your entire existence becomes a property. and they may say whatever to you as they wish. they inflict harm onto your already delicate ego and while this may seem like nothing, continuous endurance of such treatment will whittle down your self-esteem. ultimately and falsely, this will realize your worthlessness.

but you must endure.

valuable life advice #2: always endure.

you can endure; you must endure.

three more months. three more months. i chant this to myself, while deflecting daily snide remarks about my basic incompetency. mostly, concerning my irresponsibility and poor life choices. and sometimes, relating to my poor fulfillment of filial duties (e.g. not phoning home on a consistent basis).

maybe the reason as to why i don't phone home often is because i don't want to talk to you. maybe it's because every time we engage in conversation, it's always about how shitty i am doing in school. maybe it's because every time we exchange words, it is always about academia, my failures, and the successes of other people's children.

call me petty. call me pathetic. but somehow, i'd like to protect the shards of self-worth and self-belief that i have left. and maybe, the people who i do choose talk to, maybe they make me feel like i'm worth something. that i have a future. that i can be somebody and i can be somebody great.

yeah, i am naive for sure. but you are naive as well. if you think that the worst things a child can do is to get bad grades and to not phone home once a week, you are clearly oblivious to the harsh realities of life. i say this to you often but you refuse to acknowledge it, asking me why i am choosing to be compared with the darker sides of society.

i think the main problem is that we take each other for granted--each other not recognizing the significance of the other and not realizing that things can be way worse. whatever i say to you will fall only to deaf ears, whatever you say to me will always contain a smidgen of malice. perhaps you feel cheated that you got me as a daughter. maybe you look to other children, who are so filial and so perfect, and you wish that they were yours. well, i am sorry that you got stuck with me.

you often say that you tell me these things because nobody else will. because you love me. well, thanks for the tough love. i appreciate it.

you will make me into a stronger person.

and i'm sorry but i just don't like you very much right now.

don't get me wrong: i love my parents. and i do appreciate all the sacrifices they've ever made for me. i am so grateful for them putting aside funds for my post-secondary schooling and the 20+ years of financial support.

but here is the truth: i can't tell them anything. i can't tell them what i really want to do, i can't tell them what my hobbies are, i can't tell them anything. because they will get angry or even worse, get even angry at each other and push their negative feelings onto somebody who doesn't deserve it (e.g. my dog).

and so i hide, into my little nest, devoid of any real personality and i endure. i've become a stranger in my own 'home' and to be honest, i dread coming back here very summer. i so very much dread it. and maybe that's why i always feel the need to go away. maybe that's why the idea of foreign lands would entice me so much.

so i work 40+ hours a week, to try to spend as much time away from this house as possible. i'm not screwed up; my family isn't either. we love each other but sometimes, it doesn't work. it's just on certain days, particular words are said that evoke strange feelings from within and i just need to get it out.

i am tired.