#53.

coffeehaus on tuesday was a huge success. raised over $1000 (our club balance) in one evening.

i feel so accomplished and proud!

this goes to show that when you really believe in something, it will happen. i guess that's the importance of believing in something, in anything. so you don't slip into a downward spiral of apathy. (worst)

right now, i am listening to ingrid michaelson and writing thank-you cards to all of my lovely performers, who have problems answering e-mails. i am also procrastinating on making dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. i will/must do that this weekend. freedom is nice and relaxing but i mustn't slip in to a pattern of laziness. new years' resolution!

about a boy: i am too good for you.

(i hate saying stuff like that.)

i am too good of a person for you. i am too nice, too kind, too serious, too passionate, too optimistic and i clearly don't fit into your superficial and shallow world.

truth: i still care.

'you're a good guy.'

#47.

in all reality, i should be poring over my anatomy textbooks and tearing through packets of blue post-it notes ferociously. i really am trying to pushing those bone details and muscle names countless times through my hippocampus, vainly, hoping to establish some sort of 24 hr imprint in my memory.

but really, all i am thinking about is a boy.

boys, boys, boys. so relentless in devouring all of my thoughts; creeping up in the most private of thoughts, and always present in my subconscious.

fuckboysineedtostudy.

but all i can think about is: "why don't you like me?"

#40.

things i need to do:

- love me more.
- sleep more.
- dream more.
- take less offense.
- stop procrastinating. (!!)

burning the midnight oil with caffeine rushing through my veins. makeup applied since 8 am seeps into my pores; i need a shower. oh my, is it that time of the year again?

funny things about boys: it's when you start becoming interested, that they plan to run away.

i feel like boys have a radar. for me, anyway. once they sense that i'm somewhat interested in any way, they disappear into a dark abyss of awkward. and every time we meet next, the air is filled with so much tension that i wish to suck it all up with a vacuum.

the song 'almost lover' relates to me but i would never let it progress that far.

because i'm not easy.

why i like clothing, cameras, books & poetry: they aren't fickle and temperamental.

they don't judge. when you find a dress that is oh-so-suitable for you, when it hugs the nooks and crannies of your imperfect body perfectly and drapes off your shoulders comfortingly, you know that it would never just leave you. and you get what you input--care for the dress and the dress cares for you. so many memories, so many sights seen, so many foods eaten, with that dress. a constant companion, but is also exceedingly loyal. that is a dress.

boys, on the other hand, are prone to desire, to lust. always in the search of 'better'. boys are mirages: seemingly perfect, hiding a plethora of potential. potential to turn girls into dark and twisty and ugly things.

i hate boys.