#53.

coffeehaus on tuesday was a huge success. raised over $1000 (our club balance) in one evening.

i feel so accomplished and proud!

this goes to show that when you really believe in something, it will happen. i guess that's the importance of believing in something, in anything. so you don't slip into a downward spiral of apathy. (worst)

right now, i am listening to ingrid michaelson and writing thank-you cards to all of my lovely performers, who have problems answering e-mails. i am also procrastinating on making dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. i will/must do that this weekend. freedom is nice and relaxing but i mustn't slip in to a pattern of laziness. new years' resolution!

about a boy: i am too good for you.

(i hate saying stuff like that.)

i am too good of a person for you. i am too nice, too kind, too serious, too passionate, too optimistic and i clearly don't fit into your superficial and shallow world.

truth: i still care.

'you're a good guy.'

#52.

important things:

1) sarah's mom: "a girl should experience real heartbreak at least once. so when the right one comes along, she won't miss him."

2) dr. mclachlin: "love is a decision."

#51.

day 03.

your views on drugs and alcohol.

as long as you don't let the substance control you, i don't really see a problem with either. personally, i would never do hard drugs because i wouldn't put my body in such a vulnerable position to reach an unnecessary high. drugs lead you to a curious place in the human psyche but i think it's more of like a choose-your-own-adventure kind of thing, because it could lead you to a nightmare or a hazy, blurry dreamworld.

+ today: snowmageddon pt. 4.

for the fourth time, the university has closed down due to weather conditions. the first three were well warranted as the city was buried underneath a sheath of snow; like, the piles of snow outside my door literally eclipsed my 5'1 stature. today was just a big joke in comparison, but i'm thankful for it, nonetheless.

today i hung out with a roommate, took some black & white film photos, helped somebody heal their heartache, bought a ridiculously expensive shirt, and gave change to an old man on the streets. he had kind eyes and told me that i had a warm heart and i felt guilty. because there is so much more that i can do, than give him a measly fifty cents.

i remember one time, when i had openly expressed my guilt to a friend and she stared at me blankly and called me an idiot.

"why don't you do something about it, rather than moping around, being an apathetic hypocrite?" she scoffed.

her words really struck a chord in me and i realized that i was just being a whiny little brat. if i really and truly cared, i would be proactive about it, instead of wallowing uselessly in a pool of self-apprehension. so i've decided to do things, rather then feel guilt. we are all capable of feeling guilt but it fades away.

margarat mead said: "never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

even though the measly fifty cents may not be much (i probably should've given him food), it is still something and if we were all proactive maybe, we can embark on some sort of positive change in the world.

just a thought.

#50.

day o2.

where you'd like to be in 10 years.

dear thirty,

this is from you, twenty years young.

current truth: i'm scared of 'future'.

ever since i was little, i've always dreaded answering the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

while all other kids had definite answers about what they wanted, mine was a giant empty blank: devoid of any real plans. scary. foreboding.

i just want to be happy.

i used to think that that was a sufficient answer; now i realize, it is just an excuse. an excuse to not bother thinking about it until it was too late. like in all other aspects of my life, i procrastinated until it really screwed me over.

another current truth: i have no idea what i want to do with my life.

things i do know: i need to rectify my procrastination and start being mature. i need to start thinking about the big picture--about my likes and dislikes and how to integrate them into my big picture.

marx said that work should equate the passions of an individual; that people should strive to do work--that it should emphasize enjoyment rather than economic gain. you ever realize the importance of passion until one day, you wake up, only to discover you hate your life.

i dislike things with too much structure, yet stability is a necessity.

ten years from now, i will be thirty and i will have taken sufficient risks to end up in a career i love. (possible options: pediatrician, lawyer, intelligence officer in CSIS) i will be well-traveled, multilingual, and i will have opened my heart to a man whom i will love, even when he's old and crinkly. we will live together in a cute vintage flat in montreal, where our children will grow up speaking interchangeably between french & english.

but most of all, i will have made a positive difference in at least one individual's life; i will never have forgotten how to smile, how to be polite, and the importance of kindness; i will have been wild and every day, i will live life to the fullest.

things i realize now: when i was younger, i really was honest with myself. because to be happy, isn't that what we should hope for? and the giant blank box is not just full of emptiness but also, potential. i hope that i will have, thirty.

love,
twenty

#49.

they say it takes 21 days to develop a habit.

day o1.

your current relationship; if single, discuss how single life is.

truth: i've been single for the past twenty years of my life.

i don't really know how to discuss my single life because it is the only life i've ever known. i've always just been 'me'. never a part of a you-and-me. but it's okay, because i'm okay with that.

although i've never experienced love-with-a-boy, i fall in love regularly. with lyrics, with colours, with seasons, cities, cobblestone streets, elusive british musicians, novel sets, smells, films, the smell of old books, bubbles, etc.

i really am quite fickle.

#48.

dear sky,

i asked for snow in hopes of deferring an exam. instead, you sent me an eye infection.

not pleased,
me.

#47.

in all reality, i should be poring over my anatomy textbooks and tearing through packets of blue post-it notes ferociously. i really am trying to pushing those bone details and muscle names countless times through my hippocampus, vainly, hoping to establish some sort of 24 hr imprint in my memory.

but really, all i am thinking about is a boy.

boys, boys, boys. so relentless in devouring all of my thoughts; creeping up in the most private of thoughts, and always present in my subconscious.

fuckboysineedtostudy.

but all i can think about is: "why don't you like me?"