#55.

things i've learned since becoming 20:

1) never waste your time and effort in something that you don't believe in.
2) haters will be haters and they're not worth your time anyway.
3) feelings are like light waves, they reflect and absorb.
4) apparently, gifted children think a lot about death.
5) no man is ever worth self-degradation. if you find one, make sure you marry him.

#54.

i am a good person.
i am a good person.
i am a good person.
rinse & repeat.

i forgot what i wanted to write.

the world is full of injustices and these injustices only become more defined the more you care.

therefore, the only logical solution is to stop caring.

but the worst thing is apathy.

no, the worst thing is allowing somebody else's emotions dictate every little thing you do. when you allow the opinions of others instill the fear to be yourself. i want to do things the easy way, yet i find that i am always taking the hard route.

at the end of my time here, i want to see my imprint somewhere on this earth--on the surface of somebody's heart, or in the wispy collections of someone's pensieve. all in all, what we are in the end and shall remain, are mere memories (treasured or not) in precious capsules. our importance is measured relative to somebody else's feelings.

but i want it to be real; i don't want to be fake. i want real people loving me for the real me. unconditionally. ugly, selfish, petty, or not.

i don't want anything to do with stupid things anymore. i don't want this stupid drama in my life. i just want to spend it with people whom I love. from the bottom of my heart. no more wasting time.

#53.

coffeehaus on tuesday was a huge success. raised over $1000 (our club balance) in one evening.

i feel so accomplished and proud!

this goes to show that when you really believe in something, it will happen. i guess that's the importance of believing in something, in anything. so you don't slip into a downward spiral of apathy. (worst)

right now, i am listening to ingrid michaelson and writing thank-you cards to all of my lovely performers, who have problems answering e-mails. i am also procrastinating on making dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. i will/must do that this weekend. freedom is nice and relaxing but i mustn't slip in to a pattern of laziness. new years' resolution!

about a boy: i am too good for you.

(i hate saying stuff like that.)

i am too good of a person for you. i am too nice, too kind, too serious, too passionate, too optimistic and i clearly don't fit into your superficial and shallow world.

truth: i still care.

'you're a good guy.'