#52.

important things:

1) sarah's mom: "a girl should experience real heartbreak at least once. so when the right one comes along, she won't miss him."

2) dr. mclachlin: "love is a decision."

#51.

day 03.

your views on drugs and alcohol.

as long as you don't let the substance control you, i don't really see a problem with either. personally, i would never do hard drugs because i wouldn't put my body in such a vulnerable position to reach an unnecessary high. drugs lead you to a curious place in the human psyche but i think it's more of like a choose-your-own-adventure kind of thing, because it could lead you to a nightmare or a hazy, blurry dreamworld.

+ today: snowmageddon pt. 4.

for the fourth time, the university has closed down due to weather conditions. the first three were well warranted as the city was buried underneath a sheath of snow; like, the piles of snow outside my door literally eclipsed my 5'1 stature. today was just a big joke in comparison, but i'm thankful for it, nonetheless.

today i hung out with a roommate, took some black & white film photos, helped somebody heal their heartache, bought a ridiculously expensive shirt, and gave change to an old man on the streets. he had kind eyes and told me that i had a warm heart and i felt guilty. because there is so much more that i can do, than give him a measly fifty cents.

i remember one time, when i had openly expressed my guilt to a friend and she stared at me blankly and called me an idiot.

"why don't you do something about it, rather than moping around, being an apathetic hypocrite?" she scoffed.

her words really struck a chord in me and i realized that i was just being a whiny little brat. if i really and truly cared, i would be proactive about it, instead of wallowing uselessly in a pool of self-apprehension. so i've decided to do things, rather then feel guilt. we are all capable of feeling guilt but it fades away.

margarat mead said: "never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

even though the measly fifty cents may not be much (i probably should've given him food), it is still something and if we were all proactive maybe, we can embark on some sort of positive change in the world.

just a thought.

#50.

day o2.

where you'd like to be in 10 years.

dear thirty,

this is from you, twenty years young.

current truth: i'm scared of 'future'.

ever since i was little, i've always dreaded answering the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

while all other kids had definite answers about what they wanted, mine was a giant empty blank: devoid of any real plans. scary. foreboding.

i just want to be happy.

i used to think that that was a sufficient answer; now i realize, it is just an excuse. an excuse to not bother thinking about it until it was too late. like in all other aspects of my life, i procrastinated until it really screwed me over.

another current truth: i have no idea what i want to do with my life.

things i do know: i need to rectify my procrastination and start being mature. i need to start thinking about the big picture--about my likes and dislikes and how to integrate them into my big picture.

marx said that work should equate the passions of an individual; that people should strive to do work--that it should emphasize enjoyment rather than economic gain. you ever realize the importance of passion until one day, you wake up, only to discover you hate your life.

i dislike things with too much structure, yet stability is a necessity.

ten years from now, i will be thirty and i will have taken sufficient risks to end up in a career i love. (possible options: pediatrician, lawyer, intelligence officer in CSIS) i will be well-traveled, multilingual, and i will have opened my heart to a man whom i will love, even when he's old and crinkly. we will live together in a cute vintage flat in montreal, where our children will grow up speaking interchangeably between french & english.

but most of all, i will have made a positive difference in at least one individual's life; i will never have forgotten how to smile, how to be polite, and the importance of kindness; i will have been wild and every day, i will live life to the fullest.

things i realize now: when i was younger, i really was honest with myself. because to be happy, isn't that what we should hope for? and the giant blank box is not just full of emptiness but also, potential. i hope that i will have, thirty.

love,
twenty

#49.

they say it takes 21 days to develop a habit.

day o1.

your current relationship; if single, discuss how single life is.

truth: i've been single for the past twenty years of my life.

i don't really know how to discuss my single life because it is the only life i've ever known. i've always just been 'me'. never a part of a you-and-me. but it's okay, because i'm okay with that.

although i've never experienced love-with-a-boy, i fall in love regularly. with lyrics, with colours, with seasons, cities, cobblestone streets, elusive british musicians, novel sets, smells, films, the smell of old books, bubbles, etc.

i really am quite fickle.

#48.

dear sky,

i asked for snow in hopes of deferring an exam. instead, you sent me an eye infection.

not pleased,
me.

#47.

in all reality, i should be poring over my anatomy textbooks and tearing through packets of blue post-it notes ferociously. i really am trying to pushing those bone details and muscle names countless times through my hippocampus, vainly, hoping to establish some sort of 24 hr imprint in my memory.

but really, all i am thinking about is a boy.

boys, boys, boys. so relentless in devouring all of my thoughts; creeping up in the most private of thoughts, and always present in my subconscious.

fuckboysineedtostudy.

but all i can think about is: "why don't you like me?"

#46.

because my vocabulary is shameful, i've lost all eloquence and style in writing, and as much as i love harry potter, i would rather read something whose contents don't consist of scientific latin.

booklist

1. saturday by ian mcewan.
2. bloodletting & miraculous cure by vincent lam.
3. this night's foul work by fred vargas.
4. the god of small things by arundhati roy
5. harry potter and the deathly hallows by j.k rowling.
6. love in the time of cholera by gabriel marquez.
7. possession by a.s. byatt.
8. never let me go by kazuo ishiguro.
9. a wrinkle in time by madeline d'engle.


all of these, i purchased in october, in vain hopes of touching after my midterms. alas, finals have started and i have yet to turn a single page of any of these manuscripts. i'm not even going to lie: i am a t.v. junkie.

#45.

new years resolutions:

1) stop procrastinating.
2) stop being so materialistic and vain.
3) read a novel once a month.
4) be productive with your hobbies.
5) be kinder to men.
6) be a good person.
7) take more photos.
8) don't be afraid to live.
9) stop judging people prematurely.
10) document your life.

#44.

snow'd in.

i can't remember the last time i've been absolutely caved inside of my house, unable to go outside due to large mountains of fluffy whiteness.

i love it.

i would like it even more if i were free to build snow forts, make snowmen and engage in snowball fights. but alas, it is a universal truth to all university students that finals eat up your soul.

my mind has been so rattled and filled almost to capacity with images of bones and muscles.

tomorrow: i will study some more. go outside and capture winter on film. paint my nails. frolick. drink hot chocolate.

tonight: i will simply sigh and eat dinner.

#43.

i feel lost and unmotivated.

although the skies are clear and it is nearing the holiday season, november blues have got me feeling down and alone.

sometimes, i wish that i could just pull a sleeping beauty and sleep for a hundred years.

but that's just sad. because there are no prince charmings in reality.

other exciting news: noah and the whale is playing in toronto in march. i am determined to go and see them. they never come to canada. i will go see them by myself, if warranted.

#42.

things to photograph:

- people jumping on beds
- autumn foliage
- goldfish swimming in tomato soup
- portraits of manny the mannequin
- homework piles
- bookstores & old books
- guitars
- stuffed animals
- shop displays
- candids of friends
- shoes
- dresses & twirling
- faces
- mannequins
- grass
- nail polish gradients
- other photographs
- cake
- old books
- UCC
- staircases

#41.

random facts:

1) i only eat muffin tops, but i eat the whole cupcake. i never buy muffins because i feel so guilty just throwing half of it away. luckily, i've found somebody who would always eat my muffin bottoms.

2) i'm suffering from a bit of a crisis right now because i think i am balding.

3) i love jason mraz and scruffy 25-year-olds.

4) i like taking film photos and assigning lyrics to them. but it's a tough job because the lyrics have to be just right. i get really sad sometimes because after i've written on them, i find a much more appropriate song.

5) i hate crossing the street because i'm really bad at making those executive decisions on whether or not to cross when the light is still green but the walking man says no.

6) i enjoy everyday harry potter references.

eg. why aren't you looking at me? it's not as if i am a basilisk.

7) i love braids, polaroids, expensive tea&coffee, blanket forts, christmas lights, and daisies.

8) the most satisfying activity in the world is walking through piles of crunchy leaves.

9) i like owls, otters, and elephants.

10) i didn't finish my japanese homework. (oops.)

#40.

things i need to do:

- love me more.
- sleep more.
- dream more.
- take less offense.
- stop procrastinating. (!!)

burning the midnight oil with caffeine rushing through my veins. makeup applied since 8 am seeps into my pores; i need a shower. oh my, is it that time of the year again?

funny things about boys: it's when you start becoming interested, that they plan to run away.

i feel like boys have a radar. for me, anyway. once they sense that i'm somewhat interested in any way, they disappear into a dark abyss of awkward. and every time we meet next, the air is filled with so much tension that i wish to suck it all up with a vacuum.

the song 'almost lover' relates to me but i would never let it progress that far.

because i'm not easy.

why i like clothing, cameras, books & poetry: they aren't fickle and temperamental.

they don't judge. when you find a dress that is oh-so-suitable for you, when it hugs the nooks and crannies of your imperfect body perfectly and drapes off your shoulders comfortingly, you know that it would never just leave you. and you get what you input--care for the dress and the dress cares for you. so many memories, so many sights seen, so many foods eaten, with that dress. a constant companion, but is also exceedingly loyal. that is a dress.

boys, on the other hand, are prone to desire, to lust. always in the search of 'better'. boys are mirages: seemingly perfect, hiding a plethora of potential. potential to turn girls into dark and twisty and ugly things.

i hate boys.

#39.

o-week is finally over: an endless blend of nights and days, with big, blinding stadium lights, loud cheers, and horny frosh.

i luhed it.

the luh revolution: because i throw around too many i-love-you's and i've decided that it's taken away the meaning of 'love'. therefore, we say 'luh'.

i love my soph team.

because they understand the luh revolution and it is being spread over campus.

i am emotionally and physically exhausted; i was dirty, hungry, cold, and tired for most of the week.

but for some reason, i feel like it was absolutely worth it. here is a funny thing about expectations, you expect something and it usually happens the opposite way. here is the funny thing about having no expectations: you have no time to think and usually it goes alright.

real life started today. i went to lecture, fell asleep, downed my first xtra large steeped tea of the semester, went to a japanese class, and bought my first carton of manchu wok.

third year, let's be good companions.

#38.

feels like i've been living in a dream: like living, but not really living, living.

everything seems blurry; everywhere seems to be full of smoke & mirrors.

i move back to western tomorrow. beginning of year three. one year closer to graduation, one step further from childhood, another turn in the labyrinthe.

is this going to be another dead end?

and i know it's futile to keep worrying. so i cover myself up in dreams of paris, sunbeams, and the summer breeze, hoping that my life won't pass me by.

FUTURE GOALS:

1) learn something everyday.
2) feel passion.
3) cook more & be more innovative.
4) write something everyday.
5) take a daily photo.
6) learn how to play the ukulele.
7) curb your senseless spending.
8) paris, paris, paris. (make it real.)

c'est tout.

cette annee, je serai une personne differente. je serai plus independente et productive; j'economiserai l'argent pour les choses importantes. et j'irai a paris, ou je mangerai des macarons en lisant les mots d'ernest hemmingway et je visiterai la tombe d'oscar wilde et d'edith piaf et je les laisserai des belles fleurs. et je prendrai des belles photos. je prendrai beaucoup des belles photos qui pourront vous faire emouver. et je prendrai des portraits des gens et je rechercherai leurs espoirs.

je trouverai l'amour.

(peut-etre.)

tout simplement parce que je puisse le faire.

aujourd'hui, il me reste seulement 713$ jusqu'au paris.

#37.

"one-sided."

yeah, when we first met
you were nothing special.
you wore an ugly hat;
you read nature magazine.
you had a scratchy beard
but your smile seemed kind of sweet.

and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

so, here's a weird little thing,
i'd like to tell you someday:
that when you chortle/
guffaw/
or chuckle, whatever it is manly men do,
it tickles the sides
of my left and right ventricles.

and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

and i wonder sometimes
when you close your eyes,
is there footage of me playing across those silver screens
while you sleep.
and i wonder sometimes
what your name will mean
to me, in a few years time.

oh, oh, oh.
and when our eyes would meet,
you'd look away
leaving me to over-analyze
each thing you'd say.
and i guess it's a little one-sided.
and i wish i were a little more brave.

i wish i were a little more brave.

#36.

today i ate curry flavoured pretz, had an epiphany, stalked fashion blogs, salivated over food blogs, checked up on patrick chan news, tackled some faxes, dealt with real life, and applied for a job.

today, paris is still $748 away.

#35.

ANECDOTES OF MEN WHOM I HAVE LOVED #1.5: 'Hairspray Boy'

i make up weird little nicknames to objectify men whom i am interested in.

(i am a terrible person, in case you haven't noticed.)

but really, it's to make them 'unreal'. because it is safer to be infatuated with a fantasy.

(except 'd'. because he was real.)

and when you don't refer to a person by their real name, when you rid yourself of that important initial connection, you are too distanced to establish any sorts of real connection, and therefore, you are safe. you are safe because you don't actually harbour any real feelings and it is fun.

it is fun to be girly and to giggle and to think of the could-bes without any sort of emotional investment.

because it isn't real.

does that even make sense?

you're allowed to be crazy and to daydream and to obsess. because the person whom you are interested in is merely a canvas on which you paint your expectations, your hopes, and all your blank convictions of a perfect someone, someone.

and nobody has to know. except you.

really, i met hairspray boy in my second year. and he was preparing for a presentation and i just happened to see him running to a hidden space, look cautiously from left to right before taking a little spray bottle of hairspray from his bag. then, he checked himself in the reflections of the window while fixing his hair.

and i thought it was the cutest thing ever.

and then i got to know him, a little.

but he was always just 'hairspray boy'.

#34.

today i grooved to jay jay pistolet, daydreamed of paris, stalked a dirty old man, drank a london fog, spoke with a soulmate, appreciated totem poles, didn't get bitten by mosquitoes, bought expensive makeup & pored over my guidebook.

today, paris is only $748 away.

#33.

ANECDOTES OF MEN WHOM I HAVE LOVED #1.0: 'D'

(i promised myself i would write them. just for the memories.)

here's the truth: i have never experienced love. i like to joke that my love life reached a climax at age twelve, plateaued while i was in high school, and is now heading towards the golden gates in the sky.

i am also a very hard person to love because i have very skewed perspectives of what it means to be loved, what it means to love, what love is, etc.

but i have liked someone.

not even, really liked him a lot. but i truly liked him. as in, i didn't care about all those shallow expectations--what he looked like, what he wore, what he liked, i just liked him, as a person; as my person. you know that backstreet boys' song? as long as you love me? yeah, that's kind of how i felt about this guy.

let's call him 'D'.

'D' and i first met when we were in grade seven. i didn't think he was anything special at first. he was short, nerdy, had glasses, freckles, and a large head. (we all made fun of him for it.) he was known for being obnoxious but hilarious, the kind of guy that you'd like to make fun of. but he was easy going, he liked rap music, which was a big thing in my middle school. we bonded over our similar love for eminem, 50 cent, and crass music, in general.

over the two years, we became really close friends. to the point where we talked to each other on the phone every night and shared deep secrets about ourselves. i counseled him, he comforted me; we were best friends. it was strictly all broship and goodness until feelings came in the way.

i don't even know how to describe it. it's like one day, i woke up, went to school, said hi, like usual. only, it wasn't usual. because he wasn't the same person from yesterday. (well, to me, anyway.) that day, he was just all sorts of wonderful and i think it's just the familiarity and the fact that i knew that i was special to him.

anyway, after a few months of wallowing in my newly found girly issues, i decided to confess.

so one day, while shopping for our friend's birthday present, i obtained a certain burst of courage. i stopped in the middle of the hall. because it was at that exact minute in which i knew that if i did not confess then and there, i would never ever do it. and then i might regret it.

i took a deep breath, steadied myself, and blurted out: "yo."

he turned to me, all confused and replied: "what's up?"

and then i take more deep breaths and kind of start pacing before i finally said: "you know how sam likes kevin?"

he gave me a confused look, as if to say "so what?"

and then i clenched my fists and uttered that phrase i wish i can take back, seven years in the future: "well, i like you."

and then his bright blue eyes just kind of widened behind his nerdy glasses and he was silent for a few seconds.

"i'm sorry. but, you remind me of my eight-year-old sister. and i don't want to ruin our wonderful friendship."

my heart didn't exactly break over these few phrases, but my ego definitely took a beating. when i think back to it, why would you say that somebody reminds you of a sibling four years younger than you are, while they are confessing their fervid admiration?! rude!

also, eight-year-old sister and wonderful friendship have no correlation whatsoever.

so whenever somebody tells me that i remind them of someone, i cringe because memories of this moment comes flooding back.

and that is the story of 'D'.

we didn't remain very good friends because it became really awkward. then we kind of had a huge throwdown over msn and in public, which ended our 'wonderful' friendship. and i think that he turned me off to all boys in general and i secretly suffer some sort of trauma born from this incident.

but when i think back to it, i am truly sure that i didn't like him very much. because i didn't even cry over him. not even one single tear.

and i thought this was a poignant story for me to tell because it's kind of funny and it's proof that i am capable of having real feelings for a member of the opposite sex. and it's possible for those feelings to be not revolved around fantasies and my basic narcissism, in which i project my image of perfection onto somebody and expect them to fulfill it.

but it's okay because i think i'm ready to like again.

#32.

i'm done being depressed about myself.

it's time to make a difference.

i have opportunities--it's whether or not i take them.

i'm done comparing myself to others.

i'm done living the easy life.

because the road to success is paved with hard work. and i stopped working hard about 7 years ago. it's time to get back my competitive edge. i can be one of those; i am one of those. no more slacking.

#31.

THINGS I WILL DO BEFORE I DIE (remixed & shuffled):

1) fall in love.
2) write anecdotes of men whom i have fallen in love with.
3) scale the great wall of china.
4) eat a croissant on the highest level of the eiffel tower.
5) ride a vespa in rome.
6) makeout in the rain.
7) see jason mraz in concert. November 2010
8) roadtrip to a giant music festival and hang with hippies.
9) visit japan with my best friends. Japan 2008
10) go skydiving.
11) go ziplining.
12) go bungee-jumping.
13) go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination.
14) start a project and finish it.
15) inspire others.
16) get into some sort of professional program.
17) FIND SOMETHING THAT I LOVE. and am willing to pursue for the rest of my life, regardless of the challenges.
18) learn how to ride a bike.
19) love myself.
20) visit every single continent.
21) go on a missions trip to africa.
22) take a photo every day.
23) to stop being lazy.
24) to sweat at least once a day.
25) to laugh until i cry at least once a day.
26) to make someone smile everyday.
27) learn how to play justin bieber on the ukulele.
28) write a song.
29) write a novel and get it published.
30) get a 90 in a university class.
31) to become fluent in at least four languages.
32) to read every book on a booklist.
33) to own a pair of christian louboutin and manolo blahnik heels.
34) to take a cruise down the nile.
35) to sunbathe in greece with ladyfriends.
36) to pull a nuit blanche in barcelona.
37) to get married.
38) to have a family.
39) to see a world expo. Shanghai 2010
40) to go on exchange.
41) to run a marathon.
42) to learn to surf.
43) to swim with the dolphins.
44) to go to harry potter land.
45) to learn to sign language.
46) to learn to say 'i love you' in fifty different languages.
47) to eat at an o-noir restaurant. Montreal 2010
48) to visit a strip club and receive a lapdance. Montreal 2010 and Toronto 2008
49) eat fugu from japan.
50) stay optimistic, never lose hope, and no matter what, remember to be happy.
51) read all of hemingway's works before paris.
52) draw a portrait.
53) take a photo every day for an entire year.
54) listen to 'empire state of mind' on the highest level of the empire state building.
55) drink butterbeer.
56) take a carriage ride through central park. NYC 2011
57) witness a public proposal.
58) organize a massive flashmob.
59) lay down white roses in strawberry fields. NYC 2011
60) get my driver's license.
61) see the loi krathong (festival of lights) in thailand.
62) complete a 365 photo project.
63) go to rwanda for a month and document every single day on a travel blog.
64) backpack through europe.

#30.

PLANS:

1) paris 2010, over reading week. i'm looking at airfare right now and it is so do-able. now, to convince julia to let me stay with her for a week and to SAVE UP KASHMONEY. sorry, AA 3D mesh flower sweater, your beauty is inferior to that of PARIS in february and eating croissants on the top level of eiffel tower. (bucket list numero 20.)

2) SAVE UP KASHMONEY-->PARIS.

things that must be accomplished before i leave home.

1) picnic in kinsmen park.
2) play in the waterpark by meewasin, also eat ice cream there, and take lots of lovely photos, and enjoy the sunshine. BLOW BUBBLES.
3) eat sushi with beshmi and nileeka.
4) go to andy shauf feat. julia and her piano with charlotte and have a romantic coffee date; also, blow bubbles.
5) see julia before she leaves for paris!
6) see sarah before she leaves for vancouver!
7) finish writing event proposals for next year. (!!)
8) have a quadruple rendez-vous with sarah, katie, becky, and jenna! and possible do number 2.
9) shave my legs and wax my eyebrows. (!!)
10) read love in the time of cholera. (!!)

#29.

i have no life.

my days right now consists (literally) of eating, sleeping, and working. i suppose this is a good thing and my bank account is smiling at me right now. i need a goal-- something to save towards to. i am actually thinking of taking money out of the bank every week/beginning of every money and stuffing it in a giantass ceramic pig. and i will only touch that money under dire situations. but here's the thing, what if my giantass ceramic pig gets stolen?

my heart lusts. often. because i am a very fickle person and i fall in love often. but not with people--surprisingly, i am very loyal with people. with objects, with words, with colours, with seasons, with beverages, with food--i tend to throw around my affection.

things for which i am currently lusting:

1) 3d flower sweater from american apparel.
2) linen-high waisted pleated pant from american apparel in sage.
3) tank dress from american apparel in cobalt.
4) disco pant from american apparel in black.
5) full woven skirt from american apparel in candy cane.
6) lace loose tank in white from american apparel in white.
7) tom shoes in navy.

YES, I AM ONE OF THOSE. i know the corporation sucks. i know the CEO is a dickwad and deserves to burn in hell. i know that it's not really sweatshop free, like they advertise. but i can't help it. whenever i go in, my eyes gleam because everything in there suits me so well and i don't feel that connection with any other store.

idon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneedidon'tneed!!

maybe the giantass ceramic piggy can be my american apparel fund??

#28.

the girl who has everything is one who doesn't realize that she does, yet aspires to live each and every moment.

the girl who has everything is one who places importance in things other than wants and needs, but feelings and dreams.

the girl who has everything lives carefree but conscious of her surroundings; aware of the politics, news, and horrors happening.

i have too many worries; i get bogged down by worries, needs, and wants. maybe it's time that i stop wanting, stop needing, and start living. i wonder if materialism is inherent and if i can ever be rid of it. i almost feel like i need to isolate myself in an environment where hungry is really hungry, cold is really cold, and everything is just as it is. almost like reverse: in order for me to appreciate life at the baseline and stop taking things for granted. maybe then i can truly be free from these sordid chains that i tie onto myself. greed, gluttony, and lust.

Hey Twenty.

Hey Twenty,

I know this is late (it’s almost four days after I’ve passed it on to you).
Hmm... Nineteen. You were naive and scared. Remember your first nights out, drinking, and dancing away. They were fun. They’re still fun. Remember the risks that you took during this year: trying out for soph, peer guides, paper art club director, rebuilding health in Rwanda VP, and most importantly, Explore.

Let’s start with that: Explore. What a wonderful way to end off an incredible year. Not so hot academically but very much so in terms of personal growth and experience. You came to Explore, expecting not to know anybody but instead, you reconnected with great friends and met amazing people. Ruth, Pauline, and Jerica—their faces will be forever etched in the experience. Justin Bieber and chicken will never be the same. You have finally learned how to mime an airplane, and you know how it feels to be rendered completely helpless and tongue-tied in front of a man.

Yes, a man.

Because he is twenty-five years old and looks (in your opinion, only) dirty and old. The dirty old man’s name is Colin. Last name unknown, as you’ve discovered while frantically trying to research him everywhere. I don’t know whether or not his name will be important in a few weeks but as of right now, you are completely infatuated. In that disgusting pre-teen squealy oh-my-god-he-talked-to-me. My hopes for you this year is to find something real and pursue it with somebody.

You are twenty, the gateway to the prime years of your life. You are supposed to go crazy, experiment, and apparently lose all holds to your common sense. It’s time to take a risk, learn to give, and most importantly, learn to open the door to your heart. Does that sound cheesy? It’s okay: you like it anyway. I’m trying to be inspirational here. But I am proud of you for taking a chance and talking to him! You had a conversation that was longer than ten sentences and you became all giddy. It’s almost cute if I can call you cute.

Let's face it: you've always wanted to find that someone, someone. But really, how are you supposed to when you can't even form a coherent sentence in front of a member of the opposite sex? Just be yourself. You can't hide your weirdness, no matter how hard you've tried. It just comes leaking through but appreciate it! Because normal is boring. And normal is not living. And really, being weird is just so much easier. Love yourself the way you are and don`t pay attention that what other people say. At the end of the day, it just you, yourself, and i. Stay true to yourself, because it's uncomfortable if you don't.

Back to Explore. So many things, so many events. Memorable: lady peeing in the crowd during the Jazz Festival, going on all the rides in La Ronde, puking in public at metro after downing raspberry vodka (NO MORE VODKA, PLEASE TWENTY!!), being known as Sushi, Imad and the stolen cheeseburger, airplane miming fail, talking chicken, random laughing fits where Ruth ends up crying, two dollar breakfast, Ingrid Michaelson live, brown accents, asian accents, gangster accents, can I have your number?, birthday dilemma, The Handlicker, seeing Will I Am DJ a foot away from you and dancing the nights away, Harvey’s, Pauline’s lapdance, Karaoke boy’s beautiful rendition of Celine Dion, being shy, being drunk in class—looking like a living tomato and slurring in French, horsedrawn carriage rides in Old Montreal with Huggy and Helen, not knowing how to turn a three-person bike around and having to lift it, buskers, music, music, music, dizziness, stumbling on the Metro, being scared by racoons—almost breaking your ankle because of raccoons, your tiny dirty room, being sweaty and smelly because of the heat wave and almost missing it when it’s cold, kayaking during the middle of a thunderstorm, Quebec & Ottawa, eating in a pitch black restaurant and falling asleep. So many memories. So many good times. What a great way to start off the year.

Aren’t you glad that you decided to take a leap of faith? And stay optimistic? The thing is, you wouldn’t be here if you were afraid. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t decide to grow a pair and be independent. So advice for next year: never be afraid to take a chance. You meet some people, they like you and they don’t. But the ones who do stay are amazing (Jerica, Ruth, and Pauline) and really accept you for exactly what you are. That’s better than having a huge group of empty friendships.

Other memorable things that happened this year: went to China, saw many beautiful things and travelled. You had a sweet summer. You are lucky. Appreciate it. And never forget to love. But also learn to be selective. You put people on pedestals when really, we’re all the same inside. Treat yourself like you would to them and ALWAYS, ALWAYS be nice. Because you know what it feels like to be ignored. You know what it feels like when nobody likes you. It is shitty and NOBODY WANTS TO FEEL THIS WAY. No matter how much they deserve it, always be nice. But stand up for yourself. Don’t do things that you don’t want to do, unless the person is important to you. You have amazing friends who would do anything for you and a family that loves you despite all your bitchy fits.

Goals for next year: FIND OUT WHAT YOU WANT. And pursue it. Doesn’t matter what it is because I KNOW YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY AMAZING. If you would only grit your teeth and are willing to suffer through the changes. Be inspired daily. Don’t be afraid to look stupid. And I guess that’s it. A lot of things from Explore. But you know that your memory is quite shitty.

Have a good year and love always,
Nineteen.

#27.

i've returned from a five week hiatus. i was simply too busy living to update, as well as walking uphill. my leg muscles had better be toned.

expectations are strange things--you usually expect too much and you get disappointed in the end. or rather, you expect something to happen and it doesn't and you get disappointed.

montreal, montreal, montreal. where do i start?

to call you a disappointment, would be blasphemy. because you weren't. but i was just expecting different things than the ones that had transpired.

things i expected: to fall in love.

with a person. briefly. for five weeks. a whirlwind romance in old cobblestone streets, so very reminiscent of enchanting europe.

instead, i fell in love with the city, with a sandwich, with a certain fast food restaurant on peel st., with friends, with three person bicycles, tequila shots, and techno music.

i feel like it is a good trade. although i was pathetically infatuated with a man and couldn't even muster the courage to speak to him. i think i had maybe spoken to him twice over the entire five week period in which he was seated across the room.

bravo, self, bravo. note to self: grow a pair by next year, please. one regret but i swear, the next time, if i ever chance upon him again, I WILL SPEAK TO HIM. and we will have conversations. and maybe even become friends.

that is all. will be posting a letter from nineteen later. (it is tradition.)

#26.

yesterday, i got caught in the rain. like, really got caught in the rain: drenched in seconds from buckets streaming from the sky and sandals soaking wet--but not uncomfortably because the water escaped from the sides and left my feet unsoggy.

it was exhilarating.

i've always wanted to get caught in the rain; i like looking out during thunderstorms. i'm always a bit fearful of a stormy sky but its great and terrible beauty awes me, at the same. and i just want to stand outside. or maybe prance around outside, naked, by myself.

because i'm weird like that.

#25.

today i took successful polaroids, chatted with two soulmates, ate sushi until i was uncomfortably full, bought a jumpsuit, went thrifting for the first time, got hit by hail and buckets of rain, listened to an aspiring singer, worried a lot, and bawled over toy story 3.

life is wonderful.

#24.

it's happening.

it may not be a big dream; it's more of a little thing--an artsy-fartsy project that will hopefully inspire.

project hope, launching this summer.

look forward to it. i know i will.

#23.

things i like: the colour turquoise.

i really like the colour turquoise. i think it is my favourite. i can't say for sure, because i am fickle with colours.

i used to love the colour pink, the colour of the warm flush that spreads across your cheeks when you simply feel too much. then, i had a brief affair with seagreen, the hue of the salty sea and my favourite nail polish. i loved yellow dearly, because it was the glittery heart of my favourite flower, daisy.

but i like turquoise because it is the colour of dreams. i've loved it since i opened the cover of 'captain corelli's mandolin'. since then i've always associated the shade with greece, the place that my wandering Heart longs for. the place where the sun just shines differently, where legends of heroes and olympus thrive, and where one can frolick in a white sundress to the tinklings of a stringed guitar.

yeah, i guess it's my favourite.

#22.

i have an aspiration. it might be too ambitious, too big, and maybe unachievable for little old me.

but i have an aspiration.

and i want to see it through.

#21b.

i've been struck by a sudden affliction: lust.



and



god. floral combat boots. i could go to battle with a hundred thousand death eaters while sipping high tea in these babies. i would kick their hooded bums with my floral-printed toe into the deepest and darkest crevices of azkaban.

yeah. that's how those badpeople make me feel.

to buy or not to buy? even though my Heart knows the answer and since these are limited editions, they might not be in stock in my size when i do finally decide to get them.

PROS: FLORAL COMBAT BOOTS (!). limited editions. real leather. reputable brand.
CONS: $130. might make my legs look chunky.

DILEMMA.

i hate my materialistic self.

#21a.

montreal in a little over a week. my Heart pounds in anticipation. new adventures, new city, new language, and new eats.

i've realized that my past entries are all so emo and depressing. ironically, i am the complete opposite in real life. i don't want this to be a pensieve full of post-adolescence angst and identity issues. because i don't want to read this in a few years and bang my head against the wall, berating my future self as to why the heck present me is so stereotypically TEEN (even when i'm rapidly approaching the big two-zero).

nothing beats listening to the beatles on a sunny day. i just want to lay down a blanket and sleep outside. too bad there are gigantic bloodsuckers lurking around, waiting anxiously for a taste of me. no, i'm not referring to edward freaking cullen although if mosquitoes took on a sparkly form, i suppose i'd tolerate them more.

i want to start collecting vinyl; i feel that it would be a worthwhile investment because if i ever become homeless, i can sell my collection to futuristic hipsters and make some fast cash.

recently, i've been reading a lot of children's literature. percy jackson and the olympians is such a harry potter wannabe but i am eating that stuff up as if it were white chocolate toblerone. demigods. monsters. 12-year-olds fighting to save the world. half-goat people. AWESOME.

i've succumbed to my materialism, but these pieces are so darling that i didn't even realize my grubby little fingers clicking the checkout button before, well, i checked-out.



alice in wonderland ring & an owl ring.



i also purchased a pink rose ring. all are from cuteability on etsy.

ps, that sigh was a sigh of contentment.

#20.

reconnecting with old friends is a strange thing. you may have not spoken to each other in over a year and you may have ended on bad terms, but that moment you answer the phone call, all that past animosity seems to fade into nothing.

maybe it's because we've accepted the fact that people do hurtful things; people are flakey (at times) and most of all, people are selfish.

remember when you would be so angry with your best friend for playing with your barbie without permission? remember when you wouldn't speak to her for an entire hour and that was considered the world's biggest snub?

i try not to get agressive while angry at somebody. i hope with all my Heart that the moment will pass if i ignore it or if i just stop talking to them for a while. really, all it does is that it builds up even more before exploding at the smallest of reasons. sometimes, you just need to accept what you don't want to see and remember that people are all flawed.

but why do things get so magnified as you age? that hour turns into a year and half; that barbie turns into something so insignificant that i can't even remember it. so many questions, so little answers.

forgiveness is like lifting a big burden off your shoulders. you'd do better than without that weighted grudge on your already worry-bidden Heart.

#19b.

shanghai is a concrete jungle; i feel as though i have too many words.





in face of all that's good and new, the old has a certain sense of romanticism that can only be appreciated by those with hardened sensibility.




beauty in the ugly: the hanging city is comprised of the unwanted, the neglected, and the 'useless'.

#19a.

god, i am so terrible at keeping up with writing. i even procrastinate when it comes to things that i enjoy.

i've decided that my ultimate dream in life is to catch serial killers while write harlequin romances on the side.

yeah, right.

okay, so basically everyone around me has this somewhat blurry picture of their futures while mine remains a desolute and empty blank. i feel that sometimes my brain operates as though it is stealing satellite tv from elsewhere. sometimes, i feel as though i am onto something but then it just gets cut off and i left with white noise and static. i need to stop stealing and either refrain from satellite or hook myself up with a reliable service.

another thing: why am i so constant? i have literally remained the same person that i was, since i was thirteen. i am turning twenty. this cannot be good news. everything around me is constantly changing: our technology is evolving and the people around me are becoming unrecognizable. even justin bieber's voice is changing while me, myself, and i are the mirror images of that seven years ago.

it's not that i don't like who i am. i do. in fact, i love myself more than people deem appropriate. if there is a shiny surface on which i can check my reflection, i will look. and most of the time, i like what i see. but here's the thing, i feel as though i should be moving forward to some distant place called my future. not your future or her future, but mine. instead, i'm stuck in a time lock, caged up inside this invisible box while everyone around me is leaving me behind.

perhaps it is because i suffer from an extensive peter pan complex and am exceedingly charmed/seduced by my own childhood that i cannot let it go. true, my childhood was extremely enjoyable and i miss it terribly. but i cannot act like a disney princess, fretting about patiently while waiting for a prince charming to come and carry me off into the future. i need some courage, some unprecedented bravado, to rev me up and propel me to where i need to be.

because i know that i can be someone amazing.

here's the hard part, holding on to that unfaltering faith in yourself, even though you have failed so many times. it's difficult; that's why i have to say it so often to myself. because i forget it often. and that's falling into dangerous territory.

at the end of the day, all you can do is pick up the pieces of yourself and attempt to put it back together with magical superglue and pray that all the pieces are in the right places.

i'm not depressed; i'm just angsty. sometimes, everyone needs to expose a little angst to the world for their sanity.

#18.

leaving for the motherland tomorrow. excitement awaits in the form of good food, explorations, and phototaking. must remember to buy 120mm film for diana whenever i get the chance! this vacation is going to be different; usually a trip to china consists of nonstop eating and senseless spending. this year, i will observe and preserve the beauty of the motherland in my own way. i will explore more, see more, and stop being so shallow.

(an attempt to rid me of my materialism, a rather fearsome task.)

must wash hair tonight! the thing i hate most in the entire world is sitting on a 13 hour plane ride and dreaming of an inaccessible hot shower. i dislike plane rides in general, there is just something about that smell that makes my stummy flip and flop in the most unfortunate ways.

#17.

i feel like a hermit. it seems as though a plane ride always sucks my vitality out of me like some sort of super-vacuum. i come home and then i am comatose for days. by comatose, i mean by sleeping at ungodly hours and marathoning shows.

april says that i should write blogs on account of the fact that everything that i say should be a one-liner on a sit-com. i don't think that i am that ridiculous nor do i think i harbour enough wit to feed a sit-com. although writing everyday seems like a good goal.

childhood (post-adolescent) dream: i want to work as a part of the FBI's BAU and be really badass and catch serial kilers.

they make it sound so enticing on tv.

#16.

everybody seems to be looking for that someone, "someone". feelings make things complicated. why, why can't we all just be happy and realize our own happiness in ourselves?

(but secretly, i'm scared of being alone too.)

packing up my life in brown cardboard boxes, rescued from the depths of my concrete basement. wiping off the dust gathered over the spaces containing residues of me for the last eight months. listening to athlete on loop, pretending like i have good taste in music when all i really want to do is blast justin bieber from the top of my lungs.

i don't want to leave. because everywhere i look, i see ghosts of me and i think it's kind of romantic. the march me was sitting on that moldy old green couch and twisting my hands anxiously while watching patrick chan skate for the 2010 winter olympics.

it drains me.

hello, bubble bath and bieber break.

#15.

i should like to wear a dress
everyday.
have sparkles, glitter, and confetti
paint my nails.
drink cold mint tea,
and feel the summer breeze
while wearing a floppy straw hat.

#14.

I am posting a real entry for once--one that consists of full sentences, correct grammar (I hope), and capitals. As I am sitting here in my room tailored to fit the needs of 5'1 shorty, minutes are passing rapidly and I have 9:30 class tomorrow.

Why do I always do this to myself?

Truth: Tomorrow I shall wake up in a zombielike state and look for healthy brains to eat for breakfast.

Truth: There is a linear relationship with age and caffeine dependency.

Actually, the latter is not so much of a truth but rather, a fact.

I got twitter today. I feel dirty. But how else am I supposed to stalk people whom I shall never meet in this lifetime? I am comforted by reminding myself that even Noble Prize winners like Paulo Coehlo have it and use it to follow Ricky Martin.

Forgive me, I'm trying to find a voice here. Maybe I should stick to half-written sentences held together by awkward punctuation and indents.

#13.

i just want to love
one day
passionately
with all my Heart.

because tragedy is only fleeting;
i've dealt with worse Heartaches.
your presence is inscripted
in the walls of my left and right ventricles

when are you free?

#12.

whenever break begins
i have a need
to stay in a comatose state
and eat rice pudding&expensive yogurt.

i opened my books today.

#11.

i spent valentine's day
independent
and ate expensive chocolate
(godiva)
frolicked in minus weather
in a canadian metropolis
while wearing no pants.

it was good.

#10.

failure feels worse than heartbreak.
why can't i
succeed?

#9.

stop telling me things that i don't want to hear.
tell me, instead,
of my
greatness and
talent.
that i'm anything but a
disappointment.

i need a little time to me now.
i need a little more love to myself now.
i need a little,
a little,
something.

#8.

two sentences, please.
please?

#7,

nothing beats
listening to paolo nutini
while
sitting,
wishing,
dreaming
of productivity.

#6.

hello, willpower.
nice to meet you,
again.

saying hi to motivation
is like greeting an ex-lover
with whom you've had
an awkward cut-off.
please don't leave me
again.

i finished my paper.

#5.

my motivation,
so plenty full of bravado,
took a day trip to Japan
to frolick with handsome mustached detectives.
(sigh)

MUST DO:
genetics.
paper.
pride&prejudice.

bml.

#4.

my fear of commitment is of such strong affliction,
that i cannot even pursue diligently,
a single essay topic.

today, it is raining.
i should like to use my new umbrella;
but, i am too lazy
to remove myself from cosy surroundings
and ingrid michaelson's husky voice,
booming from my speakers.

listening to songs on loop
is my favourite.
almond favoured tofu is,
another.
rice pudding and milk tea are,
addictions.
as is procrastination.

must.
stop.
(soon?)

#3.

love to think,
love to dream,
love for more.
of what?
i'm not quite sure.

all i know is that the beauty of today is captured by my senses but how sad it is, that they have an expiration date in my memory before condemning themselves to live out their eternity in an inaccessible Pensieve.

today, it was gloomy.
today, i felt rather gloomy because it was gloomy.
i wish the sun would shine and maybe, the world won't seem like it is frowning on me and my lack of productivity.



this weekend, i witnessed greatness.
not perfection,
but greatness.
because he stumbled.

i'm betraying you with a journal.
and am replacing clattery keyboards with a penitent hand and a pilot pen.
i'm apologize; i am of extreme constancy, i swear.
(constancy = fidelity in jane austen)

of sense, i possess none.
of sensibility, there is an excess.
less of elinor, i am.
more of marianne, i embody.
and sad it is, for there is no happy ending for dear marianne.

more tomorrow,
maybe.